Adventures Beyond the Comfort Zone

82 Days

2007-03-11T21:32:00.000-05:00

The time remaining before my Beloved and I are wed. The time seems to dissapear at an ever increasing rate as the day approaches.

An excuse for not updating? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

I've been living in Iowa for a little more than a month now, working the last couple weeks in a small town donut shop. It's an odd shift getting the donuts ready before sunrise, and it's done odd things to my sleeping pattern.

I'm still looking for the sort of work I went to school for, but this will do until then.

I'll try and update a little more often, since Beth has been kind enough to share her internet connection when I visit. But my time is up for tonight. I'll need a nap before work anyway.

Meanwhile, I've done a little something for the Unblind Eye as well.

What Do I Say Now?

2006-12-06T09:22:00.000-06:00

Talked to Dad last night... What I thought was turning out to be a sturdy Christmas substitute has crumbled just as quickly as I saw it go up... Was it the pressure of the imminent paper deadline? (If so, I don't ever want to research under pressure again...)

I may post the actual article sometime... I'll have to think about that for a while. Thanks to my good friend Matt, who happens to be chief editor of the paper, my potentially misguided writting will not be appearing in the paper on Friday.

I'm in a confusing place right now... My faith in God Himself is still sturdy... because I know I can trust Him to help me understand this, while all other sources have discredeted each other.

It's like starting from scratch. Everything I thought I new about holidays and holy days is scattered all over the ground in pieces. But maybe that's to my advantage. I can put a sturdier meaning and focus into the foundation of... whatever God directs me to rebuild.

In a way, it makes me think of how I tuned out what the everyone had to say about pre-marital dating and just focused on what I heard God telling me (mostly, via His Word). I had to tear down a lot of pre-concieved ideas and start over. But when I listened only to what God had to say, that's when He stepped in and did something amazing. He guided me to someone with all of the qualities the He had been training me to look for. One of which being that she also saw God's leading in what was happening. And you know the rest of the story; she's agreed to become my wife in 177 days.

Just like dating used to be for me... holidays no longer make sence to me. And it's God's perspective I want now more than anyone else's. Because I know from experience that He honors that.

(Of course, I'm not beneath asking for help in finding His perspective...)

Free Will

2006-12-05T14:00:00.000-06:00

Do you know what I'm hearing in your comments?

I hear you defending our right to celebrate Christmas because of our free will. And at the same time, I hear you criticizing me for considering the exercise of my own free will to choose not to.

[hours later update: I don't always think about conveying the proper tone online... For instance, I don't mean for what I just said to sound angry or bitter, but later realized it could easily be taken that way. Ironic is what I was going for.]

Did I Really Just Say That?

2006-12-03T23:26:00.000-06:00

I've turned in my final submission for the school paper just a few hours ago... and it's finally setting in. I was assigned to write about the original meaning of Christmas, and was pumped to push Jesus to center stage...

But that's not how things turned out.

I guess I'd always known that there was some kind of pagan connection to some of our traditions, but had always just assumed they were minor or that it had been a Christian thing first. And because of that I blew off my initial research as being biased against Christians.

But then when I tried looking for historical information on specifically Christian sites, information was a little scarce. There was a lot of focus on the symbolic or sentimental components, but very little about how our traditions actually developed.

That scared me.

And then I came upon this. And what they had to say set my head spinning.

God never asked us to celebrate His birthday. And if He had, He certainly wouldn't have directed us to mimic the winter festivals of the pagans. He's always directed us to be different and stand apart.

God had set up His own feasts/festivals for us to celebrate. Somewhere along the way, we've lost track of these and allowed them to fade into obscurity. And instead we've adopted traditions that pagan converts couldn't bear to let go of.

Seeing the decorations at church this morning really threw me off. It was only the night before that I had read that the garlands and the tree were never promoted by God as a means of celebrating anything, but that they came from people that had nothing to do with God.

It scares me to say it, but I'm having serious doubts about how, what, or even if I should be celebrating this time of year. If this isn't how God wants to be honored, I don't want to do it anymore.

And now it blows my own mind to think that I've just submitted an article to suggest that Christians reconsider whether or not God wants any part of the Christmas-spirit. Though if I have to be a 'Scrooge' to stand where Jesus is... as difficult as that could be... then that's where I'll be.

Blog or Sleep?

2006-11-27T22:56:00.000-06:00

Perhaps I should be in bed now... But I've been overdue for a post long enough that it may actually be worth losing sleep over. ... Alright.. maybe not, but ... but... hmm.. well, go ahead and read on. You tell me if I have a good reason for posting tonight.

I will now openly declare that I am in love with Beth. Believe it or not, this developed after we became engaged. I may well be living an exception to a rule, but I highly recommend it. That the decision had already been made it possible to know that the feelings that were developing really truely were what they felt like from the first sign of ... "sparks"? It defies my current descriptive capacaty.

I finally noticed today that Dianna did in fact blog on the thoughts that she picked up here, and really liked what she had to say (a couple of weeks ago now). Though I feel I should defend poor Mr. Harris's book... It's been given a bad name by many of the people who've read it (or claim to have read it). He offers a different look at the purpose of dating, and no where does he condemn the practice. He just wanted to make people stop and think about it. (as in "are you really actively searching for a Godly spouse, or are you just fooling around to see what fun things might happen?")

He titled the book as a personal statement, not a genaric command. He himself kissed dating goodbye after learning from experience that he couldn't trust himself to maintain his purity within that system. After learning the same thing about myself, I followed his lead. .. But Josh and I recognize that not everyone needs to be that cautious because not everyone stumbles at the same places in life.

Okay... I'd better stop there before it becomes a rant... No doubt the topic will come up again. (and for the record, I think you'd like the book, Dianna)

Thanksgiving was great. Both of them.

After a needlessly interesting morning, I found my way to pick up Beth to have turkey with my family in SF. Upon ariving she was introduced to more [still-not-gonna-do-the-last-name-thing-online]'s than we've had in years. 16 of us. And of course that much family all in one place gets pretty silly as on person's sillyness gets a responce from a couple others at the table and is perpetually magnified. I love my family.

We "cleaned house." Never before had I seen a turkey that size actually obliterated in one sitting.

After some games and a bit of pie, I returned Beth to her family and stayed for dinner. Only about a third of the crowd that was in SF, but this one included people under the age of 13 (from 2 to 5), so the meal was still pretty interesting.

My only regret is that my stomach just wasn't big enough... You know it's bad when you can't make room for pecan pie.

Graduation is less than two weeks away now. In all honesty, it's starting to feel really anti-climactic. After 4 years of sitting at a computer and making art to fit other peoples' demands and deadlines, I'm not sure this is what I really want to do...

... But that's gonna have to be a blog for another time... I've got class in the morning.

Non-Compliance With Dating Standards

2006-10-25T09:44:00.000-05:00

I've been spending too much time at the computer, and not enough time blogging. As a result, my wrists hurt and it's even more difficult than it has been to update here. So i've decided to cop-out and paste in something I wrote for the school paper, which was just published yesterday.

I won't say that I'm trying to set a standard here, because I know this kind of approach isn't going to work for everyone. I just want to put the idea out there that the same old 'dating-game' doesn't have to be the standard either.

As I write this, I find myself about six weeks into a new relationship with a lady-friend that I'd met a couple years ago. It was only about three weeks ago that she agreed to marry me. And we never really 'dated.'

Well, okay, there was the one 'date' the day after the LifeLight festival where we had run into each for the first time in months. Though it's hard for me to call it a date, and not just because I don't consider Burger King to be particularly romantic.

No, it had more to do with our conversation. I caught myself admitting that I had thought I was done with the standard dating routine, but hadn't really known where else to begin. Even more astonishing (to me anyway) was that she felt the same.

Now I can't say that I hadn't enjoyed the dating-scene. I'm something of a hopeless romantic at heart; and of course there's that physical side that "good Christians" like me aren't supposed to talk about. As much fun as all the emotional bonding and 'stuff' was, it no longer seemed worth the pain of having to give it up once it became clear that a relationship wouldn't work.

It's kinda like what a flagpole can do to a your tongue during winter. It's kinda fun until it's time to separate. Then you wonder why you'd done it in the first place.

So anyway, she and I had agreed that we didn't want to 'date.' There was that "Christian-esque" thing called 'courtship,' but that didn't seem right either. (mostly because we didn't want to deal with the question, "that's just the Christian version of dating, right?")

Even though we were talking pretty openly about getting a lot more serious in the future, we decided that we were still "just friends." It seemed simple enough, but got complicated when we tried to explain it to anyone.

That's when things got interesting. Various sources started giving me a less-than-genaric, "if God's leading, just go for it" kind of message. And when I start hearing the same thing in a small Bible study as I did on a random radio program and on Sunday morning, and it goes on for more than just a few days with increasing intensity... I have a hard time seeing that as coincidence.

Just to be sure, I asked some guy friends to pray for us. And that same night she had a dream where we were told that her family would approve of our 'intentions.' As soon as she'd told me about it and my head stopped spinning, I clumsily stuttered out a proposal. And she said "Yes."

Torrential Blessings

2006-10-15T22:53:00.000-05:00

That's a term my sister coined this summer when she saw the home and the people who took me in as the form of payment for my fantastic internship. I'm back in the dorms now, readjusting to the food, and adapting to a new set of classes... but the storm isn't over yet.

Her name is Elizabeth, and she has agreed to marry me!

A little fast? Yeah, it is. We were surprised too at how quickly God prompted us forward. (though, I had known her before we reconnected at LifeLight a few weeks ago.)

I don't feel I have adequate time tonight to tell how it came about, but it's well past time that I let the news out. -- I suppose it's just as well that the few readers I have get a chance to ask questions, given my knack for not thinking to say the things that everyone wants to know.

Multi-Level Burn-Out

2006-08-19T20:10:00.000-05:00

Just returned from Chapter Camp yesterday. Mind, body, and soul have been stretched to capacity. Plus a little more. A great big update is coming, but not tonight. After a full day to recover, I've only become more aware of how truly pooped I am.

This blog is not an instant winner.
Please try again.

Marriage is Over Romantisized

2006-08-11T10:24:00.000-05:00

I'm serious.

I just finished reading this article reviewing what the Bible says about marriage, while filtering out what our culture has been telling us (stupid Americans..). It was refreshingly different from anything I've read before.

I came across it in a search for the Biblical-ness of the concept of searching for The One. My working theory is that I'm only going to find evidence against it.

Even Christians today get so hung up on finding exactly the right person that will help them live a happier and/or more Godly life, as if this person could do for you what you haven't yet allowed God to do.

This paragraph right here really got my attention talking about something I'd felt was missing in the Bible

In Peter’s epistle (2:21-25), as in Paul’s epistle to the Ephesians (5:21-33), Christ is the model for marriage. Have you ever stopped to think that in the Bible there is no model marriage, no model family? It seems Paul was not married and may never have been married (1 Corinthians 7:8; 9:5-6). We do not even know Peter’s wife’s name or how many children they had, if any. No marriage in the Bible could be considered a model marriage for us to strive to imitate. Only Christ serves as the model for marriage, and He was never married. Nevertheless, Christ manifested by His life and sacrificial death the mind-set and ministry husbands and wives should have toward each other. He sets the standard, which is perfect obedience to God. He is the example of selfless love and sacrifice for the benefit of His bride, the church. He is the One who is the standard for both the wife (“in the same way,” 1 Peter 3:1) and the husband (“likewise,” 3:7). As husbands and wives dwell together, each should live as Christ, surrendering self-interest while seeking the best interest of the other. To follow the example of Christ means we are willing to endure the pain and the penalty which results from the sins of others, with the goal of their salvation. Submission is not just seeking the best interest of another; it is seeking their best interest at our expense.

I'm a sinful man who's looking to be married someday, and since my only options in this life are sinful women, there's no way that either of us could make the relationship really measure up to the standard. It would be especially foolish and lazy to expect our choice in mate to somehow make up for our own imperfections. Until Jesus comes back for the Final Reformatting, it's impossible for people to get that close without ever hurting eachother.

Then there was this little reminder of how many times the Bible hammers into us the suffering that comes with living in our fallen world:

But the New Testament writers give us no indication that the believer can and will experience heaven on earth. In short, Christ and the apostles speak of suffering now and glory later (Mark 10:29-30; Luke 9:21-26; 24:26; John 15:18-20; 16:33; Acts 14:22; 2 Corinthians 4 and 5; 1 Thessalonians 2:10-16; 3:3; 2 Thessalonians 1:3-10; 2 Timothy 1:12; 2:12; 3:12; 4:1-8; James 5:8-11).

Even before I'd read this, my focus had started to drift from "who should she be?" to "who should I be?" Though this confirmed for me that I'd been on the right track.

...I think I had more to say... what was it.. bother... oh well. Better to post an incomplete than to leave it bottled up inside. *Updates are sure to follow

Our Special Day? Or Just Mine? (rant)

2006-08-07T09:49:00.000-05:00

I'm going through student sites here at work this morning to clear server space by deleting sites that haven't been touched in years. Files marked Wedding catch my attention, and so I browsed a little before archiving and deleting. *None of my business, I'm sure, but it had been published for the world to see.

In her directory of wedding pictures, you could see pictures of the couple, just the bride, the bridesmaids, the groomsmen, the reception, etc... Did you catch what was missing?

How about the groom? Doesn't he deserve a page just as much as the bride? Isn't that vain to post pictures of yourself posing in your wedding dress, but not show any special attention to your allegedly 'special' someone?

okay, I'm done

Art Fest is People

2006-07-09T01:34:00.000-05:00

I don't go for the art. I don't even go for the food. Both are good, but I'm really there for the people. Over the years, the space behind Mom's booth has become the place to hang out.

I'd never really thought about it until this year when everyone's schedule inexplicably left me to wander the park on my own. It was still neat to see the new vendors and rediscover returning artists, but... it just wasn't the same.

The festival is fun, but it's really only been a backdrop for hanging out.

Hopefully, tomorrow will work out better for that.

Life or Choice, Can We at Least Agree to be Pro-Logic?

2006-07-04T10:43:00.000-05:00

On the way to Sioux Falls the other day, I stumbled onto a Christian talk show on the radio. They were talking about abortion clinics that had been shut down in recent days. Various people were calling in with there own perspective of where they saw God at work in this and celebrating victory in the battle for the unborn. Then a woman caller noted that all of the previous callers had been men and went into a bit of a rant. As in, 'how dare they presume to have an opinion about what a woman does with her own body!' (approximate quote. I had a hard time taking notes while driving. [kidding, Mom.])

Then she went off about men forcing their girl-friends into abortion clinics, and the host argued for the fathers that tried to hold them back from the clinic.

It goes both ways, and apparently it's always the man's fault for getting in the way of her choice.

Excuse me. Doesn't the man have some right to say something about the pregnancy that he was permitted to help start? How come it's never, "How dare you let get me pregnant like that!"? Or are the pro-choice women just too embarrassed to admit that they've already let someone else take part in a decision about her body?

Where have I been?

2006-07-03T11:33:00.000-05:00

How in the world did it get to be July already? I've not quite been busy enough to really justify my poor behavior in updating here. I've just been enjoying the reduced pressure to get things done. Balancing a part-time job with a part-time internship is considerably less stressful than my last couple summer-employers. I can do the night shift, but... if I can help it, I'm not going back. If it comes down to it, I'd do food service again before going back to nights. ... I seem to be digressing..

Interning for Zach has been great. He went pretty easy on us at first, but is starting to turn up the heat to push us closer to "Real" World temperature. And the whole way, he's been great about giving advice for improvements on our designs/abilities without bringing our existing skills into question.

Ironically, even though I find myself becoming more outgoing this summer, I don't really find myself going out much more than I used to. I like spending time with my friends, but I don't feel the need to see them every day. I hope that doesn't sound cold.. Maybe it never really was the homework, maybe it was just me. It just feels more natural to me to spend most of my evenings in a "quietly at home" manner. Maybe it's just that so much of the 'hanging out' that I see is often a bigger event than I can handle on a regular basis.

I remember one of the guys of MercyMe talking about how they spend their time off. Most of the time they just sit around talking and drinking coffee. They enjoy the occasional amusement park or whatever, but the whole group is generally pretty laid back.

I bet I'd get along great with them.

I've been expanding my skill set these last couple weeks. I've had 3 different teachers lined up to show me around the kitchen. Sarah, Carl, and Laura (in that order) offered to share their knowledge as soon they heard of my desire for more experience. Thanks guys!

I've also been brushing up on my long neglected GameCubing skills, particularly in the Smash Bros. area. I got to show them off just yesterday in a return to Brookings to take on some friends I've not seen in months. (Especially Mark, who's had a knack for being in town [Brookings] when I was busy. Or maybe it's the other way around.)

It's always been something of a match against the masters with these guys, and while I only came out on top once or twice from countless matches, they made a point of noting how I had "definitely gotten better." It was great being able to hold my own until it was at least close to being over.

And no, that's not because I've been spending all my quiet nights at 'home' practicing. I've been doing a lot of reading, and more recently have started trying to learn php coding.

I've got no smooth segue, but Why Men Hate Going to Church has made my list of must read books. My quest into the study of man-ness has taken an unexpected turn. (Stop and think about your average church. Is there anything particularly manly about it? How about feminine? I'll expand on that another time, since I'm already going long here.)

I'd add The Message to the list too, but in a way, it's already there.

Ever since the King James translation of the Bible got to sounding stuffy to the average American, I've seen so many attempts to weed out the 'thee''s and 'thou''s and bring the language up to date. But it always seemed to me that there was always some residue of that 'classic' style that the mind had to dance around before taking it in. The Message is the first that has really felt different to me. It actually feels like reading a book.

That other blog? I haven't forgotten. Far from it really... I've pushed it aside to get other things done, but it's never really left my mind. It seems like there's been increasing pressure from God (via several otherwise unrelated sources) to not let me forget.

Blogging in Spurts

2006-05-22T20:22:00.000-05:00

Okay, so, I imagine some of you will be disoriented by the post from a couple days ago that didn't actually appear until today. My Internet access is a little diminished out here at the lake, so I'm just gonna keep on blogging and upload them all at once whenever I get the chance.

After a nice quiet weekend with the [stilldon'tfeelrightusingtheirlastnameonline]'s, I started working today. I started out bright and early at 7:30 at the E-Education office of DSU. Last time I worked for them, I remember it seemed a real struggle to keep me busy.. Not a problem this year with a couple backlogged projects for me to pick at between the other work that comes at random.

I may actually be a morning person. When I've said "so long" to my late-night Self, my early-morning self feels fantastic. Though Latenight keeps coming back... I'm gonna try to change the locks next time he goes out..

Wow I'm tired.. Early is going to have a great morning tomorrow.

No, wait. I should mention my first official Interning meeting with Zach this afternoon. He asked my opinion on web layouts and content. It was good; I tend to 'experience' the web rather than analyzing what keeps me coming back to certain sites. The process led us through a lot of sites that I'm going to want to keep going back to both experience and analyze.

Then we talked about posters and such; brainstorming ideas... I've got a few simmering in the back of my mind.. I may even share once they come to a boil. Although, you'll eventually be able to see some of them on-line anyway.

I took it pretty easy for the rest of the afternoon/evening. And now I'm gonna start bed-time prep. so's Early can take another crack at that piece I'm working on for the other blog before work. I'd really like to get that up this week... I've got other areas I want to cover.

Settling in...

2006-05-20T18:04:00.000-05:00

I finally got myself out of Brookings yesterday. After sifting through much clutter, I picked out what I'd need in Madison, put aside what I could do without, and pitched out what I wouldn't miss. In my return visits to home this summer, I'm hoping to do a lot more of the latter. In this rediscovering-of-self process I've started, I'd really like to gouge out the pack-rat within.

Tangent{ MercyMe just released a new song called "So Long, Self." I was instantly enamored by the creativity of a break-up song written to the singer himself. But it also set me thinking about how I related to my Self after starting a serious relationship with Jesus.

In years past, I'd done my best to leave myself behind, but in these last few months, I found Him re-introducing me to my Self.

I feel more like mySelf than ever.

It's funny... that line in Corinthians about letting the old Self die so the new Self can really live has always been one of my favorites, but I guess the second half didn't really sink in until recently. I wish I could remember where I heard it, but someone on the radio said, "Jesus doesn't only want to pull you from the burning car wreck of sin, He wants to drive you to the hospital and make sure you get better." }

Getting back to last night: I unpacked and settled in. The [shouldIreallyspilltheirlastnameonline]'s shared with me their dinner, which tasted much better than the frightful descriptions of what salmon supposedly tastes like. Then I crashed in front of the tube with my hero, Dr. Phil (and I stayed there for the rest of the evening).

At some point, Laura came down to see that I was able to make myself at home. She found that I had already put down roots and become a potato.

I enjoyed a warm shower in the bathroom directly adjacent to my beautiful room before finally collapsing in my large, comfy bed (the largest bed I've ever had).

I went out for breakfast McDonald's this morning and discovered long-not-seen Justin as well as one of those awkward encounters where I recognized someone who recognized me, but could not think of her name or how I knew her...

Then followed an exciting trip to Jubilee for my very first attempt at buying food for myself. I couldn't help wondering how obvious it was that I'd never fended for myself before.. It didn't help that I had another one of those awkward encounters on my way through the produce section. I'm not even sure she saw me; one of the produce guys returned my greeting instead...

Anywho, I think I'll manage. I only need to survive a few months of my own cooking...

Oh, yeah. Finals ended fairly well. Most of the projects finished with a good 5 to 10 minutes to spare, and a solid 'B' average for the semester. Evidence enough for me that the perfectionist within is finally going away.

amended a few hours later:

This is a very special entry from Kevin's accountability partner, Matt! Kevin has been behaving himself, and for that, I am very proud of him! Good job Kevin!

And accept for his sneaky addition to my entry there, I would like to say the same for Matt.

Accidental Sabbath

2006-05-10T21:05:00.000-05:00

Final Project Tally:
4 complete
1 remaining

I know it wasn't really an accident, but neither was it my idea. Not at first.

So it started early Sunday morning after getting myself up for the early service at WCB. I had an appointment that afternoon with the folks who are taking me in for the summer, and was hoping to get some of my stuff packed to take over there ahead of the post-finals rush.

So after church and one last meeting with the Wild at Heart group, I returned to my room to pack... except that a few hours earlier, I learned that this was the day of the vote as to whether or not we move forward with the plan to build the new church building. Since I'm an actual member there, I felt I should be part of that.

The vote was at noon... which only left me about an hour in my room before the meeting. Instead of packing and/or cleaning, I decided to try and blog (can you guess how well that went?). I wanted to write about my growing interest in how men and women relate to each other after the various books I've been reading. ..yeah.. that's gonna be a whole 'nother entry..

Moving on: the meeting lasted about an hour. At the very end of which, just before the ballots , someone spoke up about his concern that the new building wasn't going to be big enough. I was surprised, but he actually swayed my opinion. If the new building is only slightly beyond our current needs, how much more room for future growth is there?

I'm digressing again...

After the meeting, I met Matt and Rayleene at Taco Johns, where Tom wandered in late in the meal. My initial companions took off, and I stuck with the old friend I'd not seen in months for a while.

This left me just enough time to Google the directions to my summer home. Which, as it turns out, even though the address says that it's in Wentworth, turning toward Wentworth actually took me in the opposite direction of my destination.

I hadn't met them before a freak meeting at McDonalds about a week ago when Sarah pointed them out and introduced us. Everyone I told who I'd be staying with responded with some variation of "lucky!" or "I'm so jealous!"

Wow. Not only are Marvin and Laura great people, but their home.... the house... It's a beautiful house. It's a Big, beautiful house. A big, beautiful, Lake-side house! (sorry, Mom. You may not see much of me this summer)

After a nice talk/tour, I headed back to Madison, already late for the Bring Your Own Meat party. And on that drive back is when it struck me that I'd not done anything that could be considered productive all day. I considered skipping out on the BYOM party... but then I started having flashbacks. Mostly within a week or two.

I've heard it come up a few times from a couple different sources now: a reminder of God's command to keep the Sabbath holy. To take a day off once a week. No really, like totally off.

I had about a 20 minute drive to ponder this. I knew this was important. It did make His top ten, after all. So I decided to try. Something to the extent of "not wanting our relationship to suffer just because I was busy." (of course I've had a few days now to consider how to say that.. It started out kinda selfish.. more like "if I do what He wants, He'll help me get through finals, like I want to")

So I spent the next hour or so with my friends, eating meat and playing soccer. It was good. I'm sure it was my last chance to see several of them. (though quite a few, it seems are going to linger here in the Madison area)

After the Meat party, things got more interesting... Back in my room, with little to distract me from my impending deadlines, my thoughts quickly swayed from "this Sabbath thing isn't so hard" to "am I crazy?!" I had to make myself look it up to remind myself that the command was really there.

I could have emptied my head into the movies out in the lobby, but I was pretty sure that vegetating the day away wasn't really what He had in mind for the 7th day either. I wound up spending the rest of the evening listening to DM LIve and picking up my room a little. Yeah, technically, that's work too, but not the pressured/frenzied kind. Actually, it helped me to have something else besides the radio to focus on; made it easier to convert fear to trust.

I don't want to make it sound like a trade of services, but I know He's been with me this week ever since. Taking the whole day away from my school work.. Logic said I was being foolish, and yet... 4 out of 5 projects in on time. The 5th due tomorrow afternoon. I know He's been there, giving me the strength to keep getting up early and pushing myself forward.

I'm really not sure how I'm going to pull this last one off, but I'm not really worried.

hmm... seems like I'm not capable of writing a short blog.. more time 'wasted'? Time will tell.

Back to work.

the other blog

2006-04-22T23:44:00.000-05:00

It's up now, with a different name, at a different address than what I'd said a few posts ago. I've decided to stear the focus more toward the basic truth that God made women to be beautiful (and they all are!). And that us men were designed to notice and enjoy what we see. I'm starting to think that I'd much rather be mistaken for a pervert in looking forward to and celibrating these sexual Gifts than as a closed minded prude making women ashamed of their God given beauty (I'm serious when I say all of you).

Of course, I'm not going to let up on need to guard that beauty until the time and audience is right. I just want to be absolutly clear that I'm an advocate for that Beauty.

God Made Women Beautiful

From 'Nice' to 'Good'

2006-04-18T18:23:00.000-05:00

I've been way outside my comfort zone, venturing out at an exponential rate.

I've actually spoken to some ladies who's dress triggered a little something in me. A couple took it pretty well. At least one got offended. But I believe this visual trigger was meant to be used by wives on their husbands. I don't see it as appropriate anywhere else. (Not that I can demand that anyone change; I'll just have to keep not looking at the ladies that disagree or misunderstand.)

There is some danger that I'm just going to unload all this... That would be neither nice nor good. I've gotta finish that book, No more Christian Nice Guy. I don't want to be nice, but I still desperately want to be speaking in love.

When she got offended, and the two of us spoke (online, as I've not yet been bold enough to speak in person about it, yet), I shrank back. She was upset, and I jumped to the conclusion that I must have done something wrong. This is a "Nice Guy" attitude... I realized I was rocking the boat and sat down.

I started to mentally climb back into my quiet little box of not saying anything about it. And I discovered that I no longer fit inside. I've come to far to stop talking now. I'd spread my wings and jumped off the cliff... got scared and tried to fold my wings and pretend it didn't happen... but I'm still airborne.

....

Maybe I should start this review back at the beginning...

I was reading through my journal, trying to remember how I'd managed to put God in the center of my life, because that was key to describing all of the changes that have been taking place.

I realized that I can't take much credit. I'd turned to Him as a last resort... I had at last admitted that I needed to break things off with Alicia, and came to realize how disconnected I had become with everyone else. God literally felt like all I'd had left.

It struck me then, that in the same way I'd been neglecting to make time to really connect with anyone around me at school, I'd done the very same to God. We were on a first name basis, and I recognized Him in passing, and we even talked occasionally... But that's not a relationship at all. And a relationship is His main priority with any of us. Using Jesus to pay our way into eternity is all about Him wanting to be with us forever!

...

There is so much that's been happening, even after reviewing the 2006 entries, it's daunting to think of summarizing it all.

God got my attention, and I've stuck by more closely than ever before; and He's rewarded me for it. He led me to the right books and people to help me with exactly what I'd been needing. For Women Only, to ease my feelings of being misunderstood by my former girlfriend; Wild at Heart, to answer my curiosity about what real Manliness is; man-friends to open up to and share myself with and pray for and be prayed for by; a remarkably open prayer group that I was eventually open up more completely than ever before about how easily I feel distracted by the female body; No More Christian Nice Guy, a book that reveled the gaping chasm between being 'nice' and being 'good,' a theme brought up in Wild at Heart that really captured my attention and I felt needed to be integrated into my life; and at last, the long anticipated For Men Only, a fantastic starting point in understanding the female mind, which is what I've grown increasingly certain is the primary audience for my delivery of God's message on modesty. Whoo! It's been quite a ride... And it's only just beginning!

And then there was this bit that I wrote the other night, about a day later that what you just finished reading:

I just can't sleep. The most profound truth has finally found its way to me. No More Christian Nice Guy is my new favorite book. I'm a little confused about where to rank it relative to the Bible itself.. I don't want to say it's better than God's Word, but... it helped me so much in understanding what God had been saying all along about what it is to be a Man!

....Most of society has been promoting a softer, less threatening, caricature, that even a lot of churches have bought into.... Just think of any sitcom or commercial..

Anyway, ... It's a fantastic book that anyone who is, or knows someone who is male should read.

Men are supposed to be fierce! We are supposed to be dangerous! How can we offer any true security to our wives if we are not? How can we defend the standards of God in a world that wants to pull us just a little beyond that necessary boundary.

Jesus himself did not follow the rules. Jesus himself was considered harsh, loud, and obnoxious! He did what he had to to bring people's attention to what was important.

I am of course NOT advocating senseless or needlessly reckless or malicious behavior. Jesus was acting in love, when He was being gentile, and when He was being fierce.

Makes me think of a time when some guy tried to walk off with Kim's backpack, and Dad took off running and shouting for a policeman and declaring what the guy had tried to do. I remember overhearing someone comment that Dad sounded more like someone who should have been arrested... At the time I thought this comment was just dumb; why would the thief want to draw that kind of attention to himself? Though looking back it strikes me more as disrespectful of a man out to protect his daughter.. as if his extremely vocal cries for legal assistance were somehow less excusable than someone running off with Kim's bag. Meh.

Dad was not even remotely nice about it. He was good.

From the Source

2006-04-08T23:53:00.000-05:00

As I sit here on the bed in room 214 of the governor's Inn waiting for my hair to dry, this seems an opportune time to see if I can unload all that's been happening to me. (As a side note, hotels with wireless internet access are the grooviest).

I'm not feeling the best right now; I've taken ill in some how or another involving my sinuses and throat... Though I'm feeling a lot better than yesterday.

So there was that day I spent watching Kenshin with Kari after she'd shown mom and I her family's baby sheep. Lambs are cute, samurai rock, and Kari is a dandy hostess.

.... My word... I don't even remember how long ago that was now...

Since then, I've been introduced to a local (to DSU) auto repair shop to discover that it was the bearings wearing out on my front, right tire that had been making funny noises. Not to costly, so it was okay. But then a couple weeks later I had to take it back find out that the trasmition was on it's last legs... That really wasn't okay... Though it was better to have it die when it did, rather than half way to North Dakota

So Kim and I borrowed the family minivan to roadtrip up to N.D. to see long-not-seen-friend, Calless who was to meet us at the Space Aliens Grill and Bar where we would eat before going to see VeggieTails Rockin' Tour live!! 'twas an awesome weekend. (I fell in love with the Veggies all over again [and was re-inspired me to work for people that make things to teach and amuse children with silly talking vegitables {Yeah, I spelled that wrong, but I'd rather write this than go through the spell check again after misclicking the first time.}])

... I'm tired now... I'll talk about Source tomorrow

... Goes Whoosh on Broadband ..

2006-04-05T00:21:00.000-05:00

Nearly a month, eh? It's been pretty buzy; almost non-stop excitement. But I'm not really alert enough to write about any of it now.... Mostly, I wanted to redirect trafic from my fellow web publishers. Since there's no real focus for this blog, I'll more likely be using this other blog I've just started for the presentation and whatnot. or.. I should say this blog I'm going to start. It's there and has a title and a minutly descriptive bit... I'll hopefully get actual content/thoughts onto it tomorrow. dont-feed-animals.blogspot.com Bonus points for anyone that can identify the reference in today's title.

Crazy Month

2006-04-04T17:12:00.000-05:00

I never promised regular updates, did I? .. I know myself better than that...

Or do I? I'm certian that I'm not the same Kevin I was just a few months ago.

Supernatural

2006-03-11T01:49:00.000-06:00

Increasingly, it seems that the suggestion of the supernatural keeps popping up around me (anyone else see Numb3rs tonight?). It started a little over two weeks ago when my photography assignment had been reformatted.

In honor of DSU's 125th trip around the sun, each of the buildings on campus was doing some kind of special project to commemorate the event. Now, art majors like myself find most of our classes being taught in Beadle hall, which is supposedly haunted by the ghost of General Beadle himself. Because my digital photography class is part of the 4/5ths of my classes to be taught in this building, we were to create a ghostly image of a photo of some part of Beadle hall; these images would be on display during the festivities.

This assignment got Dr. Jones talking about another, more "in depth" project. (Or maybe this was the day before in the other class I have in the Mac lab with Dr. Jones [actually, I'm pretty sure he's just a professor, but I couldn't pass up the random, unrelated reference. {that and I have too much fun making nested parenthetical statements.}])

He was planning to take a group of students (volunteers) into Beadle hall late on a Friday night with flashlights and cameras and audio recorders to see what they could find. Initially, I volunteered, thinking it was gonna be some goofy, fun thing. Surely no one here actually believed in... then the stories started.. (it must have been the day before, I remember now that I was already uncomfortable when I got the photo assignment)

First were a couple of tales about Beadle hall: a clock 'jumping'/falling off the wall and startling a janitor, lights that had been off when the building was locked up found to be on the next day. Easy enough to dismiss, but... Then my fellow students began to talk/reminisce... Some were tales from friends, some were personal experience. A couple included a sighting of an actual figure...

Now, I'd never really thought much about it before, but with the recent re-awakening of my faith it really set me to thinking. There is no room in that faith for 'ghosts.' Even before Googling it, I knew there was a command somewhere about not trying to communicate with the dead.

ADD

Where was I going with this.... um.. right.

So, I'm not willing to believe that the human spirit is resilient enough to resist following the light on it's own (or whatever happens). I mean, what was the point of Jesus coming to defeat death for us if we could do it on our own?

With this in mind, the only thing that really fits is the work fallen angels. They alone have both the motive, opportunity, and ability to confuse us about what happens after death.

It's an idea that seems like it's been hiding in the back of my mind, but finally pulled out far enough to really explain it to myself.

While watching Numb3rs tonight, these thoughts came flooding back to me as I tried to suspend my disbelief enough to accept that most characters were accepting the efforts of the psychic guest star. I wonder now, who exactly is whispering in his ear? Who's putting vague images in his head?

I Googled my thoughts about half way through this and found someone who did a much better job of backing his information up than me (Martin, Gary).

I also find it interesting that my fingers have been missing their mark on the keyboard more than usual tonight, and that I've been distracted several times (like, a tad more than usual), and that after hiding my other programs to reduce this distraction I suddenly find myself with a bit of a headache... I find it hard to take as mere coincidence, when I know there are supernatural beings that don't want this information out there.

...I'm curious now, how distractable you readers become on this one.

More Lost Titles

2006-03-09T01:28:00.000-06:00

Let's see here... where'd I leave off. Ah. Yes. Lost titles of days gone by.

Dysfunctional Car of Mystery
A Hairy Night in the Bathroom
Out to Camp
Day With a Samurai

So that's what's been happening the past week or so. What? Who said that? You want me to explain them? Well... since you weren't there...

Okay, so early in the week, I was driving myself to dinner, and my car ... I'm guessing it backfired, 'cause the guy at Jake's couldn't recognize anything else that might be wrong. And he'd just looked at it a couple of weeks ago to replace a wearing axle.

Last Wednesday was movie night, and the movie was Clue. I was fairly excited at first, because I'd heard for so long how funny it was. It was pretty funny at first... and it probably remained so well after I'd left. There was some kind of commotion in the bathroom that I felt compelled to investigate. (That and multiple female characters had ridiculously low necklines... [yes, there is a side of me that enjoys that. No, I don't like to encourage that side.])

So anyway, I roll my chair down the hall from the lobby to the bathroom and discover that Danielle, Kensi, and Sarah(e) had 'volunteered' to dye the hair of my neighbors Eric and Patrick. Normally, girls in the bathroom in the guys dorm... well, that's not normal. As it happened, this seemed to be where the party was at. And so I spent the rest of the evening being moderately sociable with and taking pictures of my many strange friends (and I intend to put them on FaceBook next week when I'm on something faster than dial up).

....

You know what? It's getting late again... I'm not too worried about catching up before Spring Break is over; there's not a whole lot to talk about other than lots of goofing off and a little bit of homework.

Oh. I've been thinking of starting another blog, just for my modesty talk. I don't want the randomness here to water that conversation down (that is, if it ever really started. ?). I'll link it if it happens.

Until next time...

Lost titles

2006-03-03T23:49:00.000-06:00

There's been an awful lot going on in the last week or so... Nearly every day has been blogworthy, which means there was little to no time to do so.
Anywho, I'm home again now and have decompressed in front of the TV for a while. Lets see how many I cen remember before I give up and go to sleep...
(I still have readers, right? leave a comment, will ya'? I feel lonly when you don't say anything...)

Skippy's First Gun Lesson:

Last Saturday, I finally took up the offer of my good friend Andy to teach me to shoot. I'd been timid about it in the past, but, well, as long as I'm rediscovering myself, it's the perfect time to try something new.

It was a great experience (for the most part [more on this later]). Yeah... it was heavy and loud, but... that didn't seem to matter anymore. Once he'd shown me what to do (and especially what NOT to do) and I finally had the pistol in my hand... I don't know that I have the words to describe the feeling. I was suddenly responsible for an incredible power! (Spider-man vibes??)

.... and I've totally lost my train of thought.... I really should just turn my messanger off when I'm blogging... let's see here.... umm..
ah yes, the power in my hands...

It wasn't exactly a power trip... more like adding another vertebra to my tiny backbone.

So then he broke out the rifle! It was heavier, louder, and so much cooler! (and I have pictures!) I lost track of how many rounds I fired into the icy river, so I know my targeting record was pretty low. But it felt great the 3 times I managed to hit the plastic bottle!

Then there were the 'tracer' rounds. It was kinda hard to see in broad daylight, but they light up when fired, which was really cool (when I was able to spot them). This is when things got interresting... I could have sworn all of Andy's shots had gone into the river/ice/dirt bank, but alas, he reloaded a few tracers for me to give them a shot (yes, I'm sorry but, pun intended). As I lined up to fire, I noticed a faint ... something not quite right..

"Dude... is that fire?"

Andy took off running. I hesitated. The old Kevin said, "woah.. no way I'll be much help with that.." To which I replied, "like heck, I'm gonna be the sissy man to stand here doing nothing!" And I set the rifle down and took off after him... and nearly killed myself trying to keep up. The terrain was not so smooth as he made it look.

Anyway, we did our best to stomp it out, but it spread just a little bit faster than we could put it out, so the fire department was called, and we went back to Andy's to chill/recover with Tucker, a pizza and Fight Club.

Sorry folks, that's all you get tonight. I'm shot.

------[edit] Oh, wait! I also got pictures of Andy's melted boots! His heavy duty, leather, Navy boots melted and cracked in the toe after much fire stomping. His gel insert thingies were a little different shape too! He was no longer "gellin'."

Modesty again

2006-02-22T00:05:00.000-06:00

(blogging by e-mail again; I apologize if it looks funny)

As promised, I'm bringing up the issue of modesty again. I'm honestly still confused by a few of the comments from last time; it seemed that some were saying that my reasoning was totally valid, but my suggestion for change was going too far. Huh?

Anywho, I'm not going to carry on any more tonight. I just want to keep the discussion alive and share the opinions of a couple of women on the topic. link1 link2 I thought this one was pretty good too (once you scroll past the ads).

Singles' Awareness Day

2006-02-14T10:17:00.000-06:00

For the first time in three years, I find myself encountering February 14th as a single man. I don't want to be just another whiny, lonely blogger, because I know this is how it should be for a while. I'm convinced that God wants me to explore and expand the man-heart he gave me. (Shortly after I started reconnecting with Him and asking for post-Alicia direction, I was invited to a Bible study going through Wild at Heart [a book I'd strongly recommend].) A good friend also told me that Dr. Laura recommends at least 6 months recovery time before getting into another relationship. I'll try and give it more.

Even so... it's hard not to think about.. I've got several good friends who happen to be female... Some of whom (I'm sure I've imagined it) seemed to be sending me signals... Then I wonder if I've been sending signals that I shouldn't have in my efforts to strengthen friendship connections.. A tad ironic after my talk about giving up on the dating system. I know that it can work if used properly, but so much more often I see it abused... I don't know a good example to go by, but I've got plenty of time to figure that out.

So remember, singles: I'm pullin'/prayin' for ya. We're all in this together.

Blog by Email?

2006-02-13T18:23:00.000-06:00

I stumbled upon an interesting feature here. Seems that I can submit posts via my own private address. I don't have anything terribly interesting to say as spending 3 hours playing with Photoshop and iMovie has melted my eyes and fried my brain. I love doing this stuff, but sometimes it strikes me as unhealthy..

so... if you're reading this, then my first attempt at blogging by email was a sucess! If not, well... that hardly matters.

No Regrets

2006-02-12T23:43:00.000-06:00

I've gotten mixed reviews on my last post. Both heartfelt encouragement and suggestions to lighten up. And I can't say that either really surprized me. I was pretty worked up when I wrote it, but I can't say that I want to take any of it back. As my friendship with Jesus continues to grow and the more familiar I get with what's important to him... I don't want to say that these things have become more important to me... because it seems like it always has been.. and yet I have hardly acted like it was important before, just letting things slide so as not to upset my other friends.. so I really do have to say that it's become more important to me, because it's gotten harder not to act on. (we're not talking about following a bunch or rules to stay out of trouble but the advice of a friend that wants to help) I'm sure I could have done better in my delivery of the message last time.. but I won't betray my new best friend by letting my fear of bad delivery keep me quiet. Not anymore. (and of course, I will work on my delivery)

WWJD... What Would Jesus Do. That used to be a pretty big thing that's almost cliche now. I was remined in church this morning that his delivery wasn't always plesent either. So many times he's recorded just tearing into the religious 'teachers' of the time for distorting or misrepresenting what the Word said. And lets not forget the time he made a mess of the money changers just outside the temple that were taking the focus of things off of God. That in mind, I can't help thinking that Jesus would have actually made a scene that night.. He certianly wouldn't have kept quiet.
And if He's the standard to live by... So often we only see the gentle, loving side of Him.. How many pictures have you seen of the scenes I just described? I don't mean to belittle the softer side; both aspects deserve equal attention.

======

Anyway, I suppose I should say something about my classes too. No longer the very top of my priority list, but still pretty close.

Web Publishing 2 will be providing a new look here; upcoming assignment will be having us manipulate the template in someway. I'm also continueing to modify the Square Root of Cheese with various coding techniques I'm picking up. I don't like most coding.. but CSS is different somehow.

Graphic effects 2 started with a bang... great big movie-like project. Still not due for a while yet, but still a daunting way to start out.

Digital Photography (2) has at last gone digital, and so far has been just a good Photoshop review. More interestnig things to come, I'm sure.

Digital Editing ... it's a whole new program to me.. 2D animation.. time consuming, but interesting.

Technical publishing is great so far. I've been able to keep up just by going to class. In fact most of the class is about a week ahead of schedule on the Adobe Acrobat assignments. I'm hoping this stays true when we switch to Framemaker, so's I can put more time into the other classes, lest I become overwhelmed again...
===

Personal life?
I'm working on improving the connection with all my other friends and starting a few new ones. Never had much confidence there, but it's been building (has also moved above school work on the priority list... most of the time). I was going to sift through FaceBook and see how many of my friends there had listed their messanger ID... but I only found two.. but no matter. there are other ways.

that's enough for tonight. It's past my bedtime.

Crashing the 'Wedding Crashers'

2006-02-02T20:44:00.000-06:00

This is gonna be pretty short due to the onset of a cold that has sapped a large portion of my energy, but I feel this needs to be writen before I have the chance to forget..

So every Wednesday night up here on the 4th floor of my dorm is movie night. One of the guys down the hall has an online poll where we can vote on which movie to watch. I know there is a fairly hight concentration of my fellow Christians who attend, so I was pretty surprized to see that Wedding Crashers had won the vote. But that's not really what bothered me. I don't expect my non-Christian friends to follow the same standards.

What really got me was how many of of these Christian friends still came, knowing full well what they were about to see. I consider several of them to be fairly prominant members of our local InterVarsity Christian Felowship group...

Something inside me just snapped when they started to arrive. I went through a rapid shift from grogy cold symptoms to full blown furry. How could anyone who believes/follows the God who wants us to stay pure and to treat His gift of sex with honor and respect.... How could you have that belief and allow yourself to sit through a movie that goes so far away from His standard?! Why should you even show tolerance for it?! That is NOT the standard God set for us. Eph. 5:3

I overheard someone on her cellphone telling someone that she didn't really want to watch the movie. I wanted to get in her face and ask her why she even came! ....but I've never been good at that kind of thing.. plus she was on the phone.. and I lost my nerve when she hung up and darted around the corner before I could follow...

I think that's when I really started to boil over... I mean, with so many known Christians in that audience, what were they telling the rest of the room about their God? Doesn't that sugest that He doesn't mind?

I really believe that God was wronged last night. So many of His people sitting through and tollerating that movie is a silent message that He's a lax God that doesn't really care. Or that He's not important or reliable enough to listen to. And if this is the image we project, why should we expect anyone else to care?

(sounds like I'm ranting, doesn't it? not really no. In the words of John Ruben, "I'm not trying to be a nusance, I just think we can do better than this.")

So my non-confrontational self stepped outside of my comfort zone and scribbled a quick note and dropped in the lap of a good friend who I knew was comprimising her beliefs. ...That is after stopping to talk to someone else who was staying away from the movie to get a little encouragement.. I was hoping to give one to the girl I'd overheard earlier, but I chickened out because she was pretty deep in the crowd..

But still, it was a rush for me. An incredible feeling doing what I believed was right, and reminding a friend to do the same. (remember my earllier posts on being true to who I am? ;) ) And I know it was also a response to God's prodding me.

Last night was a big step for me, and I'm looking forward to making a lot more like it and streatching myself ever further!

I guess that wasn't very short.... oh well. It feels good to put it out there.

Re-adjusting

2006-01-23T12:42:00.000-06:00

Thanks for all your comments on my last post ladies. Even way before I was ready to go public*, I knew I wouldn't be able to tackle the issue alone.
[*public: as in where I knew that only my friends would be looking]

So much I've been wanting to talk about... so why haven't I? um....

Well, this semester is looking to be less intense than the last. There's been a rather large project already introduced in Graphic Effects, but the rest are starting out nice and slow. Not to mention that I'm already doing better at keeping up with my reading. There's always a movie or a Citgo run or something else that I can be part of, but it just doesn't have the same pull that it used to. I know I've got time for more of that now.. but I don't want to let myself start those kinds of habits... when actually, I'm working to break those habits, so that it will be easier later in the semester when it'll be even more important.

Of couse that's not to say that I've spent the last week hiding in my room between classes. Not entirely. I went to the first movie night of the year and finally got to see Serenity. Spent most of Saturday watching Anime with old friends from back home. This is where I finally got to meet the new man in Brandi's life. Seems like a pretty nice guy.
I've also found a new place to hide, a place for solid Me-Time. I may even disclose where it is in a future post... but for now it's nice to have a place to retreat to.

It's been strange seeing Alicia again after the break up. I still want to be her friend, and I know she wants that too... But .. I'm not ready to act on that yet. I know that it's inevitable to see her around campus, but when I do I feel my heart being pulled in two different directions. I know it's gonna get better over time, but right now, it still hurts. Hence the need for more Me-Time, or maybe just my increased sensitivity to that need.

Sombody said something during dinner in the TC the other day that set me off. A comment was made about someone fearing that a certian girl was "chasing after" him. This was met with the fact that said girl already had a boyfriend. Then, "That doesn't matter; she's not married."
I'm really not sure if she really meant that or was being goofy, but it set me off... I might have exploded if I'd had the right words at the time.

So what does it mean?! What's the purpose if we're gonna treat it that lightly?
I wanted to blog a nice long rant about why dating is such a flawed system, but after cooling off I found this. It summerises what I've come to believe a lot more nicely than I would have.

Mature content finally handled maturely (long!) [PG-13]

2006-01-13T14:35:00.000-06:00

It's been an emotional vacation for me. I am so glad that we got so much time this year, because I really needed all of it.

By the end of the semester, I felt not only physical exaustion, but emotionally disconnected, spiritually malnurished, and socially imbicilic. So much time went into getting projects done for my numerous studio classes, that I had very little time to just hang out. Alicia... I know she wasn't being demanding... that she just missed spending time with her boyfriend... But if I was going to do well with school, I couldn't measure up to what she wanted. Or what anyone else wanted. I'm constantly turning down invitations to hang out, watch movies, or the infamous 1am Citgo run (even though it changed its name and another gas station took over, we still know it as Citgo). And yet I'm still behind on sleep and feeling rushed to get things done, feeling like I should regret what little social interaction I had. I guess it'd been building all semester... if not longer.
What finally broke me was after finally pushing my way through a week of final projects and returning home.. I was still turning down invitations and still asking Alicia to be patient with me so that I could spend a few days of ME time to try and recover my strength. Felt like no one would understand because everyone else was ready to party, so shouldn't I. Why does everyone expect so much from me? .... I guess that's where a lot of the previous entry came from. But with all that going through my exhausted mind, I just shut down... let my GameCube absorb me.. And I think it helped in its own way. Alowed me to recover physically and mentaly to a point were I was strong enough to deal with emotions.

I started slowly, adding one messanger program at a time, started talking to people again. Started turning my phone on again. Started accepting who I really am. Accepting that I'll always be a little behind. Accepting that I can't maintain a serious dating relationship while I'm still getting through school (I've lost faith in the dating system anyway, but that's a can of worms for another blog).

Durring this last week, I've been reconnecting to message boards and blogs that I'd neglected, and in the process stumbled across some random 13 year old girl's blog that I was able to identify with. And I recognized a part of myself in a friend she was talking about. It had sounded like this friend was affraid to confront a couple other friends, or was affriad they wouldn't listen... or something. It struck me as.. "No! Don't be affraid to share your beliefs and/or opinions! You don't want to be like me...." I don't think I heard myslef...
But the seed was planted. It sounds like an old cliche, but "better to be rejected for who you are, than accepted for who you aren't." That phrase just stuck in my head, sloooowly sinking in.

As I'm following her blog, she talks about being frustrated with being 'abnormal.' Anyone who knows me, knows how deep a chord that struck. So as I'm typing encouragement, freak to freak, I start hearing my own words again and realise that it's not too late for me to follow my own advice.
I don't care anymore if I can't go to every play/concert/whatever. I don't care if some people give me a hard time for being a 23 year old, male fan of the Powerpuff Girls. It doesn't matter if anyone understands my seemingly greater need for ME time if I don't actually give it to myself (though I've been practicing that one for a few months now)

So in the continuing spirit of being true to myself, I now bring you the following sleepless writings from last night:

{
still having trouble getting to bed on time... actually got here at a much more reasonable hour, but now that I'm here, I'm not feeling tired anymore... can't stand it...

But as long as I'm here, I may as well try again to get something off my chest... or maybe I should say out of my chest... It's been buried deep in my heart for some time now.

A couple years ago I'd earned the title of 'Modesty Nazi' from my girlfriend back then. At first it felt pretty good standing against tight shirts and midriffs and such, a champion of modesty. ... right.. At first, she'd been pretty understanding and even willing to change or modify what she was wearing..
I soon tried to share this opinion with a few other female friends, but it was frequently met with anger or frustration. After a while my girlfriend began to tire of it as well (I'll detail why later). I seem to remember the final straw coming during a week of working as stage crew during Sonshine Music Festival when I'd been bold enough to make a comment to one of the members of Superchick. She seemed to take the comment pretty well, but everyone else just seemed fed up with my ideals when they heard what I'd done...

After that I just gave up and stuffed the message, nobody wanted to hear what I'd had to say. I'd tried to be tactful, and quit often failed. So I just gave up.

Except... except that I'd never been bold enough to really talk about why I felt so strongly about it... because that means admitting..
Every low neckline... every tight pair of jeans... every shirt that doesn't quite connect with the garments on the lower half... I know these things sound like only mere scraps of indecency, it's enough to feed and nourish a part of me that I don't want to be fed or encouraged in any way. Not until I have me a wife. I have to admit that I have given in to the pervert within me, and that I know what it wants. Sure, it ultimately wants a whole lot more, but these scraps are enough to get it started... and these scraps keep it alive.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to put all the blame on women. So long as it's still fighting to get out, I've got to be the one to keep it chained up. (though I've gotten pretty mad at the culture around me for bringing it to life so early and for keeping it so well fed, especially television) ...And there is some comfort in knowing that all men deal with this to some degree.
What the Modesty Nazi was really about was me looking for help without wanting to admit I needed it. It was so much easier to say that I simply didn't like the tight/low shirt than to say that I really did like it in a way I wasn't comfortable with. I had gotten so caught up in this, it was later brought to my attention, I was so worked up about how well 'protected' she was from my dark side, that I hardly ever told her how pretty she was. (and she was/still is, but we're just friends again) My fear of being too attracted physically, I neglected to even realize that I was only telling her what I didn't want to see... afraid to admit that darker part that did want to see...

and that fear eventually drove the Modesty Nazi underground, where he's remained hidden to this very day. I

I am truly sorry that I've kept this inside so long. I don't want my feminine friends to be targets of lust, or to feel guilty as a stumbling point to men in their lives.
}

Perhaps i should note that I do recognize how dificult it is to find truly modest clothing for sale these days... If there's anything else I haven't considered I'm sure someone will let me know.
If anyone managed to make it this far, please... please leave a comment. I want to know who reads all this, and especially how today's post is recieved. Build me up, tear me down, I don't care. I wan't to know what you think!

No Rush

2006-01-12T00:27:00.000-06:00

I've got my own pace. I think I've finally come to terms with that. I may have said that before, but I'm pretty sure I really mean it this time. It doesn't give me time for much else beyond school, and I'm okay with that for now. I get time now and then to hang out with people, make and develop friendships here and there.

And then I need time to myself too; I need more than what I've been giving myself this past.... who knows how long. I've tried to be there for my friends as often as I could muster.
It's been said that I'm too nice for my own good, and my recent burnout is the best indication yet.
I may always be a little behind everyone else; I probably won't do as much fun stuff with my friends as the rest of the world. And I don't care anymore. If this is who I am, I'm going to accept it. And hope everyone else will. (Unrealistic, but I know that a lot of people will)

Hmm... A little shorter than most of my posts, but I'm gonna pay more attention to myself and put me to bed now.

pent up writings...

2006-01-04T01:33:00.001-06:00

I think I've gone too long with out writing anything.... I just left a rather long comment at some random 13 year old girl's blog; and it felt good to have writen that much.

I've had a lot of things spinning round in my head lately that I haven't been sure how to deal with, especially in relation to my break up with Alicia... yeah, it's true that I've had doubts for a while about our future... I was scared... didn't want to think about it... It might sound selfish, but I just didn't want the added emotional strain so close to finals. And I knew it wouldn't help her any either, because I knew that she was really struggling to get everyithing done too... at least as much as I was... so i bottled it up... didn't talk about it... tried not to even think about it... just ... willed my way through that final week.

Then I totaly crashed... I was totally out of it for several days while i tried to recover from the days before. (I'd gotten about 6 hours total sleep between the last 2 days of that week.)

.....

maybe I'm not ready to write about that yet....
[please stay calm. I will come back to it when i'm ready. I promise.]
...

So anyway, in my current emotional state something else just came spilling out of me that I've been wanting to vent about for quit a while... I think I'll just finnish out tonight's post with what I wrote earlier.

enjoy:
[caution: mature content]
------------------------------------------------ Topic: I hate my culture

There was a talk radio program yesterday talking about decency on TV. it was focused on cable programing, but they brought up the way that plain ol' network television isn't being held accountable for its own violations... which I counted several tonight.. NCIS had so many suggestive moments... I was upset that it was coupled with such an intreging story. Though by the end... I wasn't very into it anymore anyway...

What is the big hang up with sex these days? Why is it that only the older and eccentric characters don't make it one of the main focuses of their lives? The only time it seems to raise an eyebrow is when a relationship is discovered that hasn't turned physical. I can't stand it anymore!

Sure, I know that it's like one of the most enjoyable experiences that the human body can experience, but why does our nightly entertainment have to be so SATURATED with it? Are we afraid that a higher level of humor would go over too many people's heads?

What ever happened to family friendly programming? Remember the days when television was amusing and/or entertaining without having to even talk about sex? Entire episodes! Family Matters, Boy Meets World, Step by Step, Home Improvement? And I'm pretty sure these shows are still on somewhere. I know there's still a market for these shows that is just as sick as I am as where todays sitcoms have gone.

Am I really in that small of a minority that television producers don't care what I want anymore? Or have we all just been too quiet about it.
They gave a measure of the ratings that the new Desperate Housewives series has been getting.. I forget the actual number of viewers they listed, but they calculated it out to be only about 9 or 10% of America's viewing population. Which means that *90%* of our country either didn't care, or had better things to do with our time/minds.....

so utterly distractable....

2005-09-11T23:48:00.000-05:00

How many weeks has it been now since I posted here? We won't count... I'm sure it would be too depressing.

Grandma has improved quite a bit since last time. She's been back at home for a little over a week now. It's still gonna be a while until she's back at full power, but she's steadily improving all the time :)

Back at DSU now, getting back into the study groove... In a way, it's like I never left; I'm back in the same 4th floor room with the same nifty people living down the hall and less of the not so nifty folk who played loud music late at night! I'm reconnecting with the same friends I'd hang out with in the TC. Finding it just as hard to keep my dorm clean, to resist puttering around online when I could be updating my blog or sleeping. Of course, part of that is left over from being on the night shift all summer.... but not entirely... yeah... I'm human and make mistakes on a regular basis... moving on....

The best thing of all about this semester is the utter lack of evening classes. This means that I finnally get to return to the weekly large-group meatings of InterVarsity Christian Felowship!! (a.k.a. Impact) There were a lot of new faces at last week's meating, the first of the year. I didn't even recognize the MC's of the evening.... but at last, the reconnection process can begin.

It's been great to see everyone again, hanging out with all the people I never seemed to have time for last year. Hopefully, I can hang on to some of this when homework gets thicker later on. (You know it will.... it always does...)

LifeLight weekend passed fairly uneventfully for me this year; I spent most of it just taking it easy on campus. I almost didn't go this year. But in a near-last-minute decision, Alicia and I journeyed to Sioux Falls just in time to hear the final performance of the Supertones in the state of South Dakota.

During this performance, I spoted my sister and her roomie on the Jumbo Electronic Display Thingie. Sadly, this was all I got to see of them because I had foolishly neglected to bring my cell phone with me... This also inhibited tracking down several other friends I had hoped to meet at the festival.... By sheer luck, we stumbled across Jon on the way to see Foolish Things at the Firehouse stage, so it was not a total tragedy.

After wandering the festival a bit with Jon, Al and I decided we'd had enough, got dinner and retreated to Madison. I think I'm getting too old for this kind of thing...

Jumping forward in time, this last weekend was a lot of fun too. I fled Madison early Friday afternoon to meet my folks in Brookings from whence we departed for the distant land of Aberdeen. My uncle Allan was to display his l33t p1an0 skillz in a recital that evening. It was fantastic. I'd never been able to make it to any of his recitals before and was really impressed. As an added bonus, many other fun relatives from Mom's side of the family were there as well. (We spent a good deal of Saturday afternoon with them as well, visiting just a bit more family who happened to live in the area...... I only wish I knew more of there names......)

Another uber-groovy part of the weekend was getting to see my good friend Amber again. I really don't get to see much of her since she transfered away. Not many of us DSU folk do.... Seems I am only the 2nd one to see her new home (which is a really nice place) that she's known from this area. Her boyfriend, Jon was the first. ... and she's been in that house for a while now....
Unfortunatlly, since we had family plans, we didn't get to stay very long...

Hmm.... was gonna talk about all my new classes, but it's getting late.... maybe tomorrow....

g'night

Skippy goes to the dentist

2005-08-22T23:55:00.000-05:00

Grandma is doing much better now. Thanks so much for all your prayers. I finally get to go see how she's doing for myself tomorrow... as soon as the dentist is done with me....

I was awakened much too early this morning with the news that I had an appointment with the dentist at 10. was barely able to prepare myself in time. (three days in a row now that I've been jarred out of my summer sleeping pattern... Sure I want to change it back, but not like that.)

Anywho, it always surprizes me, in spite of how well I think I've been taking care of my teeth, there's always a lot of scraping with that little pick thing to get my teeth truly clean.
Then something clicked in my head...
I knew I'd taken better care than usual in the past year, but had fallen off over the summer in addapting to my extreme work hours... I know it's important but I can't always find that daily time to pick up my Bible and floss. What ought to be such a simple thing to do and only takes a tiny fraction of my day gets squeezed out of the picture... Then suddenly it's time for a checkup, and God leans over the dentist chair and shows me the spots I've missed.

Has anyone else noticed that similarity before, or am I just different?

Anywho, the dentist did discover a few weak points in my teeth... and thanks to a cancelation in his schedule, I get to go back tomorrow and have the one that broke through, filled. (he'll wait and see if I can take care of the others well enough for them to fix them selves.)
Huzzah! .... eep...

Grandma's Heart

2005-08-17T05:37:00.000-05:00

I came home from work this morning to discover that my grandma had been in surgery overnight.... My folks will be going to see her in a couple hours... Dad called in this morning, and learned that everything had gone fine. Any and all prayers would be greatly appreciated.

a good day

2005-08-14T23:15:00.000-05:00

Today was nice! Not only did I get to see Alicia again (in addition to having gotten to see her yesterday at Luke's let's-get-together-and-do-stuff-before-I-go-back-to-school-thing, which was nifty in itself.), but Grandma K. also came to visit so that we could all go see my Dad perform in the Brookings Comunity Theater's production of Annie Get Your Gun! I knew that he had done some theater in the past, but none durring my lifetime. Needless to say, I was pretty excited to see it. I could tell that he was really into it too. And good at it! He made a great Chief Sitting Bull. (all the other actors were pretty good too) I'd encourage anyone with time on their hands to come see next weekends performances; Thursday through Sunday. If I can, I'm gonna go see it again!

ADD!

Last time I carelessly mentioned that I was going to a wedding. That ambigious comment was in reference to the union of long-time family friend Carrie P. (our parents knew eachother since before we were born) to much more recent friend Marc A. Okay, I don't really know him that well, but his sister met mine at USF last year.

.....anyway...
The wedding was short and sweet. Something I didn't really know was possible. It had never really occured to me that a wedding dance is not required. Cerimony led to dinner reception which led to the couple sprinting to their car under our rain of flower pettals. They drove off and it was over. And the night was still fairly young. I want my wedding to be like that.

ADD!

I've started playing with the Square Root of Cheese again. My old, seemingly abandoned hobby. I started redesigning the site a while back when I got ahold of Dreamweaver. my current goal is to re-create the archives. or at least allow them to be visited.

ADD!

Huzzah! I have restored connectivity to the past! for those of you unfamiliar, or have just forgotten:
http://RootOfCheese.iWarp.com
no.... no.... false alarm.... it doesn't really work yet...

Goodnight world.

can't say I didn't try

2005-08-07T23:38:00.000-05:00

My culture makes me sad. If not for my faith, I'd harden into a block of hoplessness.... sometimes it's hard not to anyway...

What kind of society allows crude one-liners and foul language to saturate our various mediums of entertainment to the point where 1st graders are picking it up? What kind of culture finds bikini tops to be acceptable attire for the grocery store or tourist shops?
***
Saw a t-shirt at work yesterday with a Mark Twain quote on the back: "Censorship is like telling a man he can't have steak because a baby can't chew it."
****

Well I've tried a couple of times now to start an actual post.... (see above) Having returned from a wonderful week at Judson, I find myself having to turn my internal clock back around again to go back to work. It's actually early Friday morning now after a Thursday night of work. And I'm to tired to do justice to the thoughts God gave me at camp.

Maybe after the wedding.

Untill then.... some random bits of life since the last post.

~My search for childhood favorite TV series' has led me to http://www.myspleen.net , which turned out to be a wonderful source. (I don't want the DVD rips they have, I just want the totally leagal, digitized TV recordings [though I can't say it's not tempting..])

~I've seen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory 3 times now. I absolutly love what Tim Burton has done with it. Especially the Oompa Loompas. I was also delighted to see squirrels instead of gooses. 'Twas far more true to the book than whoever was responsible for the first attempt.

~Alicia and I will have been together for 20 months this coming weekend! Even if I were awake, I wouldn't have words good enough.

Peace out, friends

Time for Me

2005-07-23T01:37:00.000-05:00

I don't care how selfish it sounds, this weekend is for me. I'm not going even the least bit out of my way for anybody. I don't care who gives me a hard time....

*I get to hang with my sister this weekend, because I'm finally not going anywhere or doing anything... Which is how I spent this last hour instead of writing in this blog! ..... and then I made myself dinner and popped in Titan A.E..... thought I could blog while I watched, but alas, I should know myself better than that.

now where was I? ah yes.... I'm burnt out.

The Brookings Arts Festival was a couple weeks ago now... had a good time. got to hang out with friends I'd not seen in what seems like quite a while. even though they (nearly) all live right here in town. Spent the entire weekend there... well, as soon as I was able to wake up on Saturday, which was actually pretty early for me, because it was still what most others in this time zone would call morning. and of course, I got up early again the next day for church. I was the one and only Kinder in attendance, because the rest of the family had already gotten up and gone back to help Mom with her booth at the festival. I didn't get to see as many people at the festival on Sunday, which was okay, because I was starting to wear out, made evident when we began to pack up to go home. Kim, Amanda, and I all got progressivly more loopy throughout the process. Not sure how wise it was to stay up that extra bit to watch Indipendence Day with them. Especialy since I didn't think it was that great... It's late, so I won't get opinionated this time. I also got to see the Fantastic 4 that Saturday. Looking back on it... the effects were spetacular, but... there were several elements that flat out bothered me, in the humor and in the story... but my sister would say that I'm digressing
(Side note: Mom did really well selling paintings this year. YAY!)

so yeah... It was a good weekend, but rather the opposite of restful. I pressed on through another week of work. Got to see Jon and Amber on a double date with my [insert sappy adjective here] Alicia the following Saturday. Or rather, I met the three of them in Sioux Falls when I was finnally able to wake up and make myself presentable. (note: I still had not fully recovered from ArtFest weekend and had been unable to sleep the previous night) After dinner, we all went to the Jazz Fest where some spiffy music was played and expensive drinks were served. Things went pretty late, which was fine by me, but we were all ready for bed when we got back to Alicia's. Jon and I crashed on sofas downstairs. I presume the ladys found themselves beds upstairs.

The next day began with chuch at West Center of Madison, where I got to see more friends I've not seen since school let out. then there was lunch at pizza ranch, a creepy movie back at Al's (the ending was a dissapointment), and being talked into a wedding shower for a couple of Alicia's high school friends. I tollerated being there for about an hour (a single party game) before I excused myself. please know: I was utterly exhausted at this point and had no intention of blowing off or ignoring anybody I just wanted to drive home while I thought I still could.

It was on that drive home that I decided, I've pushed myself far to far. I need a weekend for me. All of it. to recover my strength, to vent my creative build-up, etc. If anyone tries to talk my out of it, I'll just skip merrily away with my fingers in my ears. I doubt I'll even get out of the house, and I couldn't be happier n_n.

I'm tired now.
good night

Me? Popular???

2005-07-05T03:42:00.000-05:00

To be honest, I'm a little confused as to how my blog has become so popular. I've not done a thing to advertise it other than leaving links where I knew my friends and family would find them... would someone mind leaving a comment as to how I can tell for myself how popular my blog is? Obviously the information is available somewhere, because people keep commenting on it.

I find myself simultaniously intimidated and encouraged. I mean... I've always been intimidated by having large audiences, (hence my hiding in a shell for large portions of my early life) but to think that I've .... I'm just being myself here. the one thing that I used to think would drive more people away.

Moving on. I've had a pretty good weekend. Good old fashioned LAN party at Luke's on Friday... (was that really this weekend? it seems so long ago now..) 'Twas good to see Bob and Ross and Jon again. Luke, I get to see every day at work, but of course, it's always nice to see friends outside of that setting now and then.

It still seems like I don't get to see much of my friends, what with my working full time on the night shift at Dak. But I can't say that God's neglected me in that area either (knowing full well that He wouldn't without good reason). I don't make every event, but I still get to see most of the people I really care about. Random Anime or gaming sessions bring my fellow nerds from high school back together. Brandi works hours that make it fairly simple to 'pester' her on my way home from Dak, without too much fear of customers interupting (though it still happens). Then there's my dear sweet Alicia ^_^ She's been really sweet about coming to see me almost every weekend. Even though I know she's getting sick of all that driving.

Like Saturday! She made me cake and brought some of her baby pictures for us to enjoy while sitting in a random park. She was sooooooooo cute!! No less adorable than she is today, but it's a different kind of cute.
Then I treated her to a Chinese dinner and a War movie. 'Twas a wonderful day in all. It had been far to long since the two us had a day to ourselves to just talk to and hang out with eachother.

That's enough for tonight. my sleeping pattern really isn't a pattern at all.... I have more to say, but I'll say it tomorrow.

g'night everybody.

Good Friends

2005-06-26T03:28:00.000-05:00

Thanks guys for all your comments ^_^ It just blew me away that there are already 6 comments on that last post only the day after. Y'all should know tha each of you contributed to my feeling warm and fuzzy and loved inside!
(No... Skippy doesn't really stand for anything. Levi just overheard someone using it in the break room and decided that I was an appropriatly happy and skippy person; so he applied it to me.)

One of you mentioned that this is a popular blog... does that mean that there are even more of you out there? reading along but not saying a word? speak up!

Anywho, this was day two of recovering from a nasty week at work. Normally, I actually enjoy my job, for the most part. But the intense heat that struck for three days in a row in a building where only certian rooms are air conditioned.... it became an experience to survive. I was more grateful than ever for the gatorade cooler that our department has. By Thursday, I was really dragging, often going out of my way to linger in front of fans.

This was to be the weekend of the campout... Until distant family members decided to gather in the more-near city of Deluth MN.... except that I didn't go to either because I was so utterly exausted from surviving Heat Week at DakTron... I feel bad on both counts because both involve people that I don't get to see very often.

Though it's pretty clear that I wouldn't have been good company this weekend in either case. I slept until 4 in afternoon. both today and yesterday. too late to really considder visiting the campsite....

I made contact with Jay instead; wound up hanging out at his place for a couple hours and got aquanted with a few other people who he'd discovered were interested in gaming. People that I'll be playing with on a regular basis if all goes well. (I'm a little nervous about it, mostly becase I've often tried but always failed to make enough time in my life to role play adequetly.) Tomorrow will be day one of our D&D campain! We plan to meet on a weekly basis ^_^

So then I suddely realize that my cell phone is still in the car, which would prevent Kim from letting me know when she was getting done for work. And indeed, I had missed her call. I excused myself, established contact with Kim and Amanda, procured a pizza, and returned home for a showing of The Phantom of the Opera. I hadn't expected the emotional rollercoaster that came with it... blew me away. (I'll need to let it sink in a bit more before I blog a review of it.)

Well, now! it really is easier when I have only a day or two to record! Whoops! there goes my sarcasm alarm...

Time to call it a night. I've got to get up for church in precious few hours...

Skippy's Renewed Outlook

2005-06-24T18:32:00.000-05:00

Well, now... I've got a lot of ground to cover since last time

I've finnally been fully assimilated into my crew at Daktronics; I got my own nickname toward the end of Wednesday! All the guys who were there before I joined had one (though not really used for the most part, except for Junior) Anywho, Levi decided to start calling me SKIPPY.

*** Started this post aobut 13 hours ago now. Started after cleaning up from work. So hot and sweaty... it was a day I just had to survive.. so anyway, I left my typing to try and give Brandi a ride from her work. Failed misserably... I arrived a few minutes too late, but waited around a bit to make sure. Drove around a few likely paths she might have taken... felt like a dork... gave up... went home and crashed. ****

So anyway, part of my new outlook came from a visit to Total Eyewear. Now I'm looking out through a new pair of frames! Change is good. Even if my viewing area is a little different size and shape. I'm getting used to it.

I've made a new friend at work since my last posting! Jay just moved to Brookings with his wife, Lisa. While she sought a job at SDSU, Jay came to Dak. Where we really hit it off was when he got me talking about my weekend plans (for what is now last weekend). I said that I was going to a Christian music festival in Orange City and his eyes just lit up -- which caught me off guard. The first band I mentioned was the ApologetiX, and his eyes lit up even more. I was even more surprized because they're a little more obscure than most christian bands. We wound up talking in the parking lot after work for a good 30 minutes before heading home (usually a real stretch for me to talk that long).

Then there was the festival itself. Rise Above was a wonderful experience! Kim and I departed early in the morning (which felt like the middle of the night to me) picked up Dianna and Christa in Sioux Falls and pressed on to Orange City. (no AC but it was only starting to warm up, so we were okay)

We arived in plenty of time to hear the first band, Foolish Things. Within the first few songs, God struck me with a spiritual 2x4.
"Remember me?" He was saying. "Remember when you said you were going to be spending more time with Me this summer? What ever happened to that? I love you, Kevin. I have someting incredible that I still want you to be a part of. And go ahead and be yourself; that's who I made you to be"

Something along those lines anyway... it didn't come in actual words, so it's hard to say that I've done justice to it. He also used one of their songs to uncover a bit of a plan/vision He'd put in my head a while back that I'd let fall apart because it extended so far beyond my comfort zone. (You'll be hearing more about this in days to come) I want to help people avoid mistakes I've made... but that means bringing my mistakes into the open... a thing that frightens me horribly, but *gulp* if that's what God wants... (pray for me while I work up the nerve?)

So, yeah. The lyrics of Foolish Things really spoke to me. Enough so that I deemed it necisary to buy a CD and get them to sign it. Discovered that all the band members are very cool and very Real people, as well as good musicians/lyric writers.

Then came the ApologetiX. They totaly rocked my face off! (and back on again!) They opened with "We're in a Parody Band" A totaly appropriate introduction for the many people there that probably hadn't heard of them before. I couldn't help wondering how many people were wondering why they had chosen to play "We're an American Band." ^_^

They were so much fun! So much good music! So much goofyess on stage! They quoted Strong Bad and various movies throughout the performance. They even spoofed an on-stage diolog/gimic thing that Audio Adreneline has done with a cow bell. (The Apologetix used a tamborene [thanks Dianna for pointing that out to me]) There was nothing they wouldn't touch. Even in the way they talked to the crowd and in the way they delivered God's mesage. That was the best part about them, that they were being totaly real about who they were and what they believed.

"I need 10 volunteers for this next song.... no you can't volunteer other people...... yes! these are the 26 people I picked out..."

"Sing it Muffin Man!"

I wore myself out dancing along. ^_^ I had already met the band a couple years ago when I was on the stage crew at Son Shine, so I decided to get them to sign something for my beloved Alicia, who had been unable to come because she had to work. (made me sad that she wasn't there, but so very proud of her that she stuck with her job)

Getting though the autograph line and getting our picture taken with them took long enough that we almost entirely missed Go Fish, but it was worth it to get to meet such deligtfully goofy people! (and to witness guitarist Karl being shot in the eye by a random fan's marshmellow gun which had been encouraged by other band members)

Then came lunch. There was a open building with bathrooms and air conditioning in which we sought refuge. I took a quick nap on the floor

*** it's now well past midnight... Kim came home from work and we watched Jumanji plus bonus featurettes and now I'm talking to Tom online, who I've not seen for some time now. Daktron has finally gotten ahold of him to line up an interview. His current job is of the "survivable" quality... let's all pray for something better from Dak! ****

So ... where was I? I like to write. I didn't even realize how long it took me to write all that until suddelnly it was hours later.

Anywho, I need to wrap this up so I can go to bed.

I really need to mention the final speaker. A man with muscular distrophy. Said he used to feel useless and unlovable. I felt like I could relate to his physical slowness and weakness with the mental slowness and distractability that comes from my ADD, frequently resulting in similar feelings of uselessness... I wish I could remember more, but what still really stands out in my mind is the encouregement he got as little nephews and nieces came into his life as well as his new wife. That and this sudden vivid clip that came into my head as he described the love that God was showing him through these people:
An vew from above of "me"... not how I really look, but a cluster of images that represented hobies, interests, mistakes; anything to do with me... the view point rapidly drops past the mistakes and disabilities, continues past my abilities and intrests, down to the singular, glowing core of ME. My very essence, that part the REALLY matters to God and the people in my own life that love and encourage me. The other stuff only matters because it's connected to me (not to say that it doesn't matter) God's love, real love just cuts that deep.

If God could get a man with muscular distrophy to walk onstage and talk openly about his troubled past... I can't help feeling that God's preparing me for something -- maybe not big in a lot of people's eyes, but plenty big for me.

In church the next day (Father's Day) a guest pastor talked about how God plants His vision and plans into the hearts/minds of his men. One of the prime requirements that I'd been laking most lately was needing to spend time in the word and in prayer so's to be more open to and able to hear these ideas (see also: somewhere above)

Well, now, I think that's more than enough for today.

May whatever part of the day you spend awake be a good part!

Cinderella Man is my hero

2005-06-11T02:57:00.000-05:00

I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I aggreed to go with my sister and Liz to see Cinderella Man this afternoon.... no, it was evening by then. Anyway, I was absolutly blown away. I can't remember the last time I saw something that was so... so... real. This man was a real hero fighting for a real cause; his own family. Never in my life had I cared so much about the outcome of a boxing match (because it was about so much more than the boxing)

My sister compaired it to Seabiscut, which means I really want to see that sometime soon. I wasn't interested when it first came out because I assumed it was about the horse and the race. Makes me glad I didn't know the story behind Cinderella Man, or I might have lost interest in this one too. Real love, real hope, real friends. That's what this movie is all about and what I believe God intended life to be about.

That's enough movie plugging for now. I'll probably rant some more on it later after more of y'all have had a chance to see it.

So anywho, what else has been going on? ...

Passed up a chance to go gaming with Brandon, Tucker and I don't know who else... feeling kinda down and not feeling like going out. Didn't get the chance to just mope around though since I got unexpectedly caught up in and brightened up by Bambi of all things. I had forgoten that I really liked it and how cute it was. Heh. I used to be affraid to admit things as being cute, especially where it might relate to me. but not anymore, thanks to Alicia for bringing that out in me. ^_^. Anywho, Amanda later came over to watch Around the World in 80 Days. Not the best movie I've seen but hardly the worst. I think it tried a little to hard to be silly.

Then there was work. work was okay. Three out of the four days I got paired off with Nikki, the only female in out department who started about a week later than i did. She's pretty cool, but a tad quiet, which I can totally relate to.

Um... slept really late today... watched Cinderella Man .... stayed up late goofing off online and watching Anime music videos on my computer... wanted to sort out the ones I can delete and clear space on my hard drive, 'cause they take up a lot of it. I'll have to burn them to disk or something, 'cause they're all pretty good.

I'm determined to make one of my own this summer........ and I'm gonna go sleep now.

good night/morning/whatever to all of you

The happy part

2005-06-03T23:59:00.000-05:00

My coworkers really aren't as bad as it sounded last time.... It's just so hard to find common ground with 'the average guy'. Though as it turns out, one of the guys there grew up in Madison (SD) where I'm currently going to college, and he has a friend who lives in Winfred! Who must be one of the other 15 people who live there. I could very nearly feel God pushing me toward him and saying, "See? You can find common ground to build on if you look for it!"

Last Friday
I was awakened just in time to have a quick breakfast before going to see Star Wars again; 'twas with my family this time as my parents had not yet seen it. I remember watching it with a little different attitude this time. [SPOILER ALERT] I sympathized pretty heavily with Anikin and his fear of losing Padme the first time I saw it. I focused more on the fact that I knew what he sas doing was wrong, and that I'm pretty sure he knew it was wrong too. I won't change myself for anyone. (Or hide myself. Thanks for encouraging comments last time!) Not even Alicia. (and I know she wouldn't want me to either! n_n) I think it was kind of funny, in a sad sort of way, that it was Anikin's choice to try and save her that led him down the very path that broker her heart and took away her will to live... so sad...

boy I side-track easily

Anywho, after the movie, ... I think I napped... Kari got ahold of me to finalize anime sharing plans for later in the weekend... I'm a little fuzzy on what happened until later, because it was still pretty early in the day for me.

So then Amanda came over to help Kim with her car which has "special needs." Then the three of us went to Wal-mart. On the way, Brandi spotted Amanda's car as it passed the gas station she and Candice happened to be at and proceded to use her cellphone to track us down. We proceded to hang out and dig through bins of old/cheep movies. I found a Jumanji DVD, one of my old favorites I'd always meant to get a copy of but never did. made me happy. Then I celebrated my first paycheck of the summer by picking up Pikmin2! I wound up playing it long into the night. Not a strain on my schedule at all.

Saturday
I slept a lot. I don't remember being very alert until evening.

I called Ross to see if he was interested in joining us the next day for Anime watching. We wound up talking for well over an hour, which was really cool since I can't remember the last time I'd really gotten a chance to catch up with him.

Sunday
getting up for chuch was rough... Bethel had just started its summer schedule, which meant that I had to be up only a few hours after I'm used to going to bed. We were a little late thanks to my slowness...

Lunch at Burger King: I got several of this week's Jawa toys because Alicia thinks they're the cutest things in the Star Wars universe. I felt much warm fuzzy-ness in watching her smile and squeal with delight at them ^_^ I was also just generally happy to see her again after her two week journey to South Carolina. Since I hadn't been there, she brought some of the ocean back to me! Sand, shells, and some sea water in sealed container thingies! Isn't that precious?!

Anywho, shortly after she arived, we departed to pick up christa and head to watertown and watch part of the Anime collection that Kari had so graciously decided to share. On the way out of town, we were about to go right past the home of Brandi, when I remembered a recent blog posting of hers that pleaded for people to come kidnap her. So we scooped her up as well!

*******
What now? Where was I? got distracted for a couple hours there... Pikmin again.
Right

Kari was a wonderful hostes; the Anime was good ('Full Metal Alchemist' and 'Full Metal Panic' are now among my favorites! [Spiral was pretty good too.]); the pizza was tasty; and a chair was broken, but Kari took it pretty well. Much fun was had overall ^_^

Monday
slept pretty late again. Grandma was already here by the time I dragged myself out. After a quick breakfast, I returned the phonecall that Tucker had made at a more reasonable waking up time. He'd hoped to invite me over for a little gaming -- a no go with Grandma visiting, of course -- but I was granted permission to reverse the invitation, so I got to have dinner with everyone!

Later that evening, I introduced him to Pikmin and beat him soundly! ... well, at least when he wasn't doing the same to me...

Tuesday on through today
I worked. I got to know people a little better (as mentioned above).... mostly I sleep when I'm not working. 10 hours of work doesnt leave time for much else.

After work yesterday, I stopped by HyVee in search of donughts for next morning's breakfast (had to settle for not as cheep chocolate chip muffins) and got to see Brandi. Went home, did bedtime preparations, saw that it was raining quite heavily, sat back and admired the pretty stormyness, remembered that Brandi was due to get off work soon and didn't have a car, drove back to offer her a ride home.

Today!
slept late again. Was awakened with the news that Alicia had stopped by, and would try again after her Wal-Mart adventures. There was much rejoicing, hugging and Pikmin bashing. Then she left to have dinner at home, which sadened me...

Later, Amber called! In responce to a happy birthday message I'd left her a couple days ago. We got to chat and catch up. Made me happy ^_^

good friends, good times, good grief that took a long time to write about.
Good night and may God bless y'all

Transmition inturupted...

2005-05-31T03:38:00.000-05:00

Special Notice: settings have changed on this blog; you no longer have to be a member of this blogging service to comment on the things I say.

* * * *

There have been so many peopole involved in my life lately! It's a wonderful change of pace from the way things were durring the school year.

Actually, work is still kind of lonely, but its the kind where there are still people all around. It's not that the pace is so intence that we can't talk to eachother... it's that the guys I work with live in a different word. ...Someone asks if anyone else is going fishing this weekend; I stay quiet while someone else answers so my geeky plans of Anime don't get laughed at.... People talk about how they can't wait to go home and have a beer; I keep quiet so no one has to be offended that I don't even like the concept of beer.....
********************

A couple days later, I find these few paragraphs still sitting, waiting to be posted... depressed myself and decided to just go to bed. There was a happy part comming, but I'll put that in my next post.

Blogersize

2005-05-24T05:50:00.000-05:00

I need to start seriosly excersizing my blogging skills so that someday, I might have a regular posting schedule.

I got to hear from Alicia only hours after my last post! It was so wonderful just to hear her voice again (n.n).

Oh! and my sister is finaly back home from college! And already she's out looking for a job of her own. (Any praying people out there, keep her in mind, eh?)

Since it's already starting to get light out, it's time to turn in... so I leave you with something I wrote in my journal last night when I tried and fialed to go to bed at a more reasonable hour...

I'm remembering constantly, that I've been meaning to blog about God putting me at Dak. I know that it was Him... It started with a prayer and a coin toss (x3). If they hadn't all come up tails, I would have taken it as a non-sign. Though, even at the time, I had my doubts... I felt much more sure about Him wanting me there, when it turned out that friend-Amanda got the job at Larson's that I turned down. It also turns out that I greatly prefer building electronic road signs to building doors; I have a natural aversion to electronic devices n.n There is also a big diference between building large objects and just producing large quantities of objects.... Oh! And building really big signs sometimes gives me the justification to climb on them a little! The job feels so much more suited to my .... my "me" that it has to have been more than simple coincidence that turned all three pennies up tails after my confused prayer for direction as to whitch job offer to accept.
Maybe I'll just copy and paste this into my blog tomorrow.... I could do it now... but I wanna do some reading before I pass out (which will hopefully be soon..)

Star Wars blew my mind... and heart (99.9% spoiler free!)

2005-05-21T02:15:00.000-05:00

There was so much more emotion than I had expected......... Where do I even begin? (I miss Alicia..)

*** an hour lapses as Kevin watches the thunderstorm in another attmpt to gather his thoughts***

It's been almost a week since i've talked to my girlfriend... Part of the movie helped me to remember how much I miss her, when (near the begining) Anikin reunites with Padme after a short mission (not telling!) ... I felt all gooie inside watching the two run up and hug eachother...

I've never gone this long without being able to at least call her... I wish she'd brought her cell phone... She and Amber, Kim, and Rachel are all visiting friend Laura in South Carolina (The lot of them all went to high school together in Madison) I thought I had Laura's cell number, but I kept getting a voice mail message in someone else's voice...
With the starting of my new job and adjusting to a new sleeping pattern, I hadn't really allowed myself time to think about it... I need an Alicia-hug.....
___

What really got to me in Revenge of the Sith, is the path that Anikin took to the Dark Side. (not a spoiler... we all know it was his cinimatic destiny) It was frightening just how easy it was to relate to him in what was happening... Put in his place, I would have struggled under the stress of it all too (I don't know who wouldn't...) I'd like to say that I'd have made different choices, but it would be really, really hard...

(Please note: I worked hard to keep this spoiler free. try to do the same with your comments, eh? Thanks!)

Working Daktronics: Day One

2005-05-17T05:08:00.000-05:00

Before I get going today, I just want to cast out a big thank you for the friends who happened to be online the other day when I really needed someone to talk to. Each of you really boosted my spirits in your own special ways. Thank you.

Almost exactly 2 hours ago now, I got off work from my first day of work at Daktronics. An extreme schedule to be sure... in fact, I'm not sure I'll be able to write about it now, but Dad's going through his morning rutine already, so I won't be able to sleep yet anyway, right?

Well it started around 4... sort of. I arrived several minutes early, and discovered that they had already started cycling people through to have their picture taken for our ID badges (not that there were that many people yet... it was mostly college students after all).

After a lot of standing around in an increasingly crouded lobby, most of us were taken to some kind of conference/meeting room, where we waited some more

Eventually, everyone was there so they could start telling us about the company and all of there policies, safety regulations, and so forth.

Several hours later, I was led to the department where I would be working: Transportation. (no, I don't get to drive things around. We make displays that you'd see by the side of the road.) We arived just in time to take our first break.

The atmosphere of the work envrinment was.... not really relaxed... but it felt more so than my last summer job. The orientation process is already over, I just have to keep showing up to my departnent and following directions until I've caught on well enough to work with the team without having to ask questions all the time .... not that I asked many... it all seemed fairly straight forward.

I also get to buy me some nice boots at half price 'tomorrow' (complements of Dak, because I'm a poor college student.) I'll get prescription safety glasses too, but that's not as exciting to me.

That's enough for now... I don't think I'll do this after work anymore... my brain shut down several times, and my spelling is icky..

G'night all, and God bless

The Crest of Friendship

2005-05-13T00:36:00.000-05:00

I have missed my friends...

I've spent the last couple days mostly watching episodes of Digimon (season 1 [eBay is a wonderous place!]) And I think that now it's finally safe to say that I've made a full recovery from finals week. Boy was that a long, misserable week... as an end to a bad month.... to finnish of a not so great semester...

don't get me wrong; my grades all came out fine. It was the price I paid to get those grades... It seemed as though I was drifting away from all my friends, as though all my classes were working together to keep me from them... Especially my painting class... It just happened to be scheduled at 7 in the evening, Tuesdays and Thursdays. This meant that I was still in class when the InterVarsity Christian Fellowship (IVCF) had its large group meeting (tues. at 8).

It wasn't until it was too late that I realized just how much I missed it... How I depended on it to connect with people... and with God.... As the weeks went by, I could really feel the difference, really felt disconnected...

I did have other opportunities... a Bible study, a Dicipleship group, and the occational venture into the Gaming Club should I get out of painting early enough on a Thursday night (or thought I could afford to lose the sleep..) But it seemed like there was always something I had to dash off and do as soon as anything ended... no hanging around... Sometimes I was just scared too; afraid I'd already lost what little scraps of social skills I'd had.

I'm not sure where the transition happened, but I began to feel giddy if I thought there was any chance at all that I'd get to hang out with someone... even just lingering a few minutes after church to talk to people. I felt so disconnected.

I guess I finnaly hit my breaking point at the end of the semester, I didn't want to care about school anymore, I just wanted to play games with my friends.... By Wednesday, I had already pushed my way through a huge project for my 3D class (complete with several hours-consuming computer errors), crammed for my Econ final and passed it with nearly airborn colors, crammed for and completed an online exam that prevented me from attending IVCF's annual end-of-the-year bring-your-own-meat BBQ so that I could be ontime to present my final painting and creteque those of others.... (I feel tired just thinking about it...) Wednesday I tried to study for my one remaining final, but I think I did more napping... I was tired, run-down and lonely... so of course I jumped at the chance to play Dungens and Dragons that night.

D&D is not a quick game. The 'short' adventure we played took us until 1am when we got kicked out of the TC. My brain had been telling me for some time that I should have left to finish my cramming, but I didn't care anymore. I wanted to get to know these people, and I wanted to see the game through to the end. I had only made it to two other games this semester, and had left both of them early.

I had a blast, and I felt alive again! My poor girlfriend, Alicia did not, however... so we wound up talking and even praying together for some time afterward on the phone (something else I had missed terribly [a blessing in disguise kind of thing]).

Needless to say, I was quite exauhsted the next day. I did however, see imediate answers to the prayers of the previous night; most of what was on the test were things I had already memorized, and the rest were either things I had looked over the night before or available through an online resource he allowed us to access. Also, there was little danger of falling asleep on my test as I had just sprinted to the test site after waking only ten minutes beforehand (not quite the answer I had expected, but it worked)

Anywho.... I'm sidetracking pretty baddly... sort of. I needed to let all that out anyway. It's my blog; I'll do whatever I feel like! Gosh! ...

So yeah. In spite of nearly-missed-consequences, I believe it was worth the lost sleep. So much so that I did something similar the next night rather than letting myself recover and going to bed early.

A different set of friends happened upon me relaxing in front of a large dorm-TV (not near as important, but something else I had come to miss). They invited me to walk across town to hang out at a 24 hour gas station. It was about 10:30 or so, when my body was saying, "alright, we can watch this show, but I'm way overdue to crash, man." But then I was invited to CitGo, and I'm like, "Pfft! forget that! I haven't hung out with these people all semester! I'm going!"
Again, well worth it. As well was Raelene's appartment-warming party the next afternoon/evening/night. (especially since most all of us slept the first hour or so of it away n_n)

Playing games and talking and just hanging out with people ... those few events were huge to me, starting to fill this massive void that I had allowed to dry up.

Oh! And then there was ... last night? well Wednesday, I decided that I was ready to get out of the house again and scrounged together whoever I could to join me for dinner and a movie. So Tom, Brandi, and I met Alicia and Adam at the local Chinese dining establishment.
We decided we'd been a little slow in ariving to make the 7 O'clock show, so we just took our sweet time eating/hanging out. (we also sought out others to join us, but that didn't work out...)
Another wonderously enjoyable evening, even moreso than the others mentioned, simply because I was more coherent by this time.

So, yeah... bottom line, school is important, but friends are an even bigger part of life. I became an empty-basket-case without them.
I've got a lot of catching up to do. I'm not sure that God made me to be a social butterfly, but I'm positive I wasn't ment to be the social hermit crab I've become. I'm coming back out of my shell!

...hopefully not all of my updates will take this long to write... or read... {insert shameless plug for The Hithiker's Guide to the Galexy here}

So.... I have a blog now.....

2005-05-09T01:56:00.000-05:00

I suppose I sould try and say something meaningful now that I'm here... with the whole world watching... *gulp*

I could say it's my sister's fault I'm here, but 'inspiration' would be a much better word. Through her own blog, I've been able to follow allong with the thoughts and events of her life that show me just how much she's grown and changed (all for the better). I have to admit, I'm a little jelous of how quickly she's broken out of her shell... while my own remains wrapped firmly around me... I seem to remember nearly breaking free of it once, but that seems so long ago now...

So, here I come; stretching myself out, being myself out where you can all see me. Reaching out to the man God intended me to be.