Re-adjusting

Thanks for all your comments on my last post ladies. Even way before I was ready to go public*, I knew I wouldn't be able to tackle the issue alone.
[*public: as in where I knew that only my friends would be looking]

So much I've been wanting to talk about... so why haven't I? um....

Well, this semester is looking to be less intense than the last. There's been a rather large project already introduced in Graphic Effects, but the rest are starting out nice and slow. Not to mention that I'm already doing better at keeping up with my reading. There's always a movie or a Citgo run or something else that I can be part of, but it just doesn't have the same pull that it used to. I know I've got time for more of that now.. but I don't want to let myself start those kinds of habits... when actually, I'm working to break those habits, so that it will be easier later in the semester when it'll be even more important.

Of couse that's not to say that I've spent the last week hiding in my room between classes. Not entirely. I went to the first movie night of the year and finally got to see Serenity. Spent most of Saturday watching Anime with old friends from back home. This is where I finally got to meet the new man in Brandi's life. Seems like a pretty nice guy.
I've also found a new place to hide, a place for solid Me-Time. I may even disclose where it is in a future post... but for now it's nice to have a place to retreat to.

It's been strange seeing Alicia again after the break up. I still want to be her friend, and I know she wants that too... But .. I'm not ready to act on that yet. I know that it's inevitable to see her around campus, but when I do I feel my heart being pulled in two different directions. I know it's gonna get better over time, but right now, it still hurts. Hence the need for more Me-Time, or maybe just my increased sensitivity to that need.

Sombody said something during dinner in the TC the other day that set me off. A comment was made about someone fearing that a certian girl was "chasing after" him. This was met with the fact that said girl already had a boyfriend. Then, "That doesn't matter; she's not married."
I'm really not sure if she really meant that or was being goofy, but it set me off... I might have exploded if I'd had the right words at the time.

So what does it mean?! What's the purpose if we're gonna treat it that lightly?
I wanted to blog a nice long rant about why dating is such a flawed system, but after cooling off I found this. It summerises what I've come to believe a lot more nicely than I would have.

Mature content finally handled maturely (long!) [PG-13]

It's been an emotional vacation for me. I am so glad that we got so much time this year, because I really needed all of it.

By the end of the semester, I felt not only physical exaustion, but emotionally disconnected, spiritually malnurished, and socially imbicilic. So much time went into getting projects done for my numerous studio classes, that I had very little time to just hang out. Alicia... I know she wasn't being demanding... that she just missed spending time with her boyfriend... But if I was going to do well with school, I couldn't measure up to what she wanted. Or what anyone else wanted. I'm constantly turning down invitations to hang out, watch movies, or the infamous 1am Citgo run (even though it changed its name and another gas station took over, we still know it as Citgo). And yet I'm still behind on sleep and feeling rushed to get things done, feeling like I should regret what little social interaction I had. I guess it'd been building all semester... if not longer.
What finally broke me was after finally pushing my way through a week of final projects and returning home.. I was still turning down invitations and still asking Alicia to be patient with me so that I could spend a few days of ME time to try and recover my strength. Felt like no one would understand because everyone else was ready to party, so shouldn't I. Why does everyone expect so much from me? .... I guess that's where a lot of the previous entry came from. But with all that going through my exhausted mind, I just shut down... let my GameCube absorb me.. And I think it helped in its own way. Alowed me to recover physically and mentaly to a point were I was strong enough to deal with emotions.

I started slowly, adding one messanger program at a time, started talking to people again. Started turning my phone on again. Started accepting who I really am. Accepting that I'll always be a little behind. Accepting that I can't maintain a serious dating relationship while I'm still getting through school (I've lost faith in the dating system anyway, but that's a can of worms for another blog).

Durring this last week, I've been reconnecting to message boards and blogs that I'd neglected, and in the process stumbled across some random 13 year old girl's blog that I was able to identify with. And I recognized a part of myself in a friend she was talking about. It had sounded like this friend was affraid to confront a couple other friends, or was affriad they wouldn't listen... or something. It struck me as.. "No! Don't be affraid to share your beliefs and/or opinions! You don't want to be like me...." I don't think I heard myslef...
But the seed was planted. It sounds like an old cliche, but "better to be rejected for who you are, than accepted for who you aren't." That phrase just stuck in my head, sloooowly sinking in.

As I'm following her blog, she talks about being frustrated with being 'abnormal.' Anyone who knows me, knows how deep a chord that struck. So as I'm typing encouragement, freak to freak, I start hearing my own words again and realise that it's not too late for me to follow my own advice.
I don't care anymore if I can't go to every play/concert/whatever. I don't care if some people give me a hard time for being a 23 year old, male fan of the Powerpuff Girls. It doesn't matter if anyone understands my seemingly greater need for ME time if I don't actually give it to myself (though I've been practicing that one for a few months now)

So in the continuing spirit of being true to myself, I now bring you the following sleepless writings from last night:

{
still having trouble getting to bed on time... actually got here at a much more reasonable hour, but now that I'm here, I'm not feeling tired anymore... can't stand it...

But as long as I'm here, I may as well try again to get something off my chest... or maybe I should say out of my chest... It's been buried deep in my heart for some time now.

A couple years ago I'd earned the title of 'Modesty Nazi' from my girlfriend back then. At first it felt pretty good standing against tight shirts and midriffs and such, a champion of modesty. ... right.. At first, she'd been pretty understanding and even willing to change or modify what she was wearing..
I soon tried to share this opinion with a few other female friends, but it was frequently met with anger or frustration. After a while my girlfriend began to tire of it as well (I'll detail why later). I seem to remember the final straw coming during a week of working as stage crew during Sonshine Music Festival when I'd been bold enough to make a comment to one of the members of Superchick. She seemed to take the comment pretty well, but everyone else just seemed fed up with my ideals when they heard what I'd done...

After that I just gave up and stuffed the message, nobody wanted to hear what I'd had to say. I'd tried to be tactful, and quit often failed. So I just gave up.

Except... except that I'd never been bold enough to really talk about why I felt so strongly about it... because that means admitting..
Every low neckline... every tight pair of jeans... every shirt that doesn't quite connect with the garments on the lower half... I know these things sound like only mere scraps of indecency, it's enough to feed and nourish a part of me that I don't want to be fed or encouraged in any way. Not until I have me a wife. I have to admit that I have given in to the pervert within me, and that I know what it wants. Sure, it ultimately wants a whole lot more, but these scraps are enough to get it started... and these scraps keep it alive.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to put all the blame on women. So long as it's still fighting to get out, I've got to be the one to keep it chained up. (though I've gotten pretty mad at the culture around me for bringing it to life so early and for keeping it so well fed, especially television) ...And there is some comfort in knowing that all men deal with this to some degree.
What the Modesty Nazi was really about was me looking for help without wanting to admit I needed it. It was so much easier to say that I simply didn't like the tight/low shirt than to say that I really did like it in a way I wasn't comfortable with. I had gotten so caught up in this, it was later brought to my attention, I was so worked up about how well 'protected' she was from my dark side, that I hardly ever told her how pretty she was. (and she was/still is, but we're just friends again) My fear of being too attracted physically, I neglected to even realize that I was only telling her what I didn't want to see... afraid to admit that darker part that did want to see...

and that fear eventually drove the Modesty Nazi underground, where he's remained hidden to this very day. I

I am truly sorry that I've kept this inside so long. I don't want my feminine friends to be targets of lust, or to feel guilty as a stumbling point to men in their lives.
}

Perhaps i should note that I do recognize how dificult it is to find truly modest clothing for sale these days... If there's anything else I haven't considered I'm sure someone will let me know.
If anyone managed to make it this far, please... please leave a comment. I want to know who reads all this, and especially how today's post is recieved. Build me up, tear me down, I don't care. I wan't to know what you think!

No Rush

I've got my own pace. I think I've finally come to terms with that. I may have said that before, but I'm pretty sure I really mean it this time. It doesn't give me time for much else beyond school, and I'm okay with that for now. I get time now and then to hang out with people, make and develop friendships here and there.

And then I need time to myself too; I need more than what I've been giving myself this past.... who knows how long. I've tried to be there for my friends as often as I could muster.
It's been said that I'm too nice for my own good, and my recent burnout is the best indication yet.
I may always be a little behind everyone else; I probably won't do as much fun stuff with my friends as the rest of the world. And I don't care anymore. If this is who I am, I'm going to accept it. And hope everyone else will. (Unrealistic, but I know that a lot of people will)

Hmm... A little shorter than most of my posts, but I'm gonna pay more attention to myself and put me to bed now.

pent up writings...

I think I've gone too long with out writing anything.... I just left a rather long comment at some random 13 year old girl's blog; and it felt good to have writen that much.

I've had a lot of things spinning round in my head lately that I haven't been sure how to deal with, especially in relation to my break up with Alicia... yeah, it's true that I've had doubts for a while about our future... I was scared... didn't want to think about it... It might sound selfish, but I just didn't want the added emotional strain so close to finals. And I knew it wouldn't help her any either, because I knew that she was really struggling to get everyithing done too... at least as much as I was... so i bottled it up... didn't talk about it... tried not to even think about it... just ... willed my way through that final week.

Then I totaly crashed... I was totally out of it for several days while i tried to recover from the days before. (I'd gotten about 6 hours total sleep between the last 2 days of that week.)

.....

maybe I'm not ready to write about that yet....
[please stay calm. I will come back to it when i'm ready. I promise.]
...

So anyway, in my current emotional state something else just came spilling out of me that I've been wanting to vent about for quit a while... I think I'll just finnish out tonight's post with what I wrote earlier.

enjoy:
[caution: mature content]
------------------------------------------------ Topic: I hate my culture

There was a talk radio program yesterday talking about decency on TV. it was focused on cable programing, but they brought up the way that plain ol' network television isn't being held accountable for its own violations... which I counted several tonight.. NCIS had so many suggestive moments... I was upset that it was coupled with such an intreging story. Though by the end... I wasn't very into it anymore anyway...

What is the big hang up with sex these days? Why is it that only the older and eccentric characters don't make it one of the main focuses of their lives? The only time it seems to raise an eyebrow is when a relationship is discovered that hasn't turned physical. I can't stand it anymore!

Sure, I know that it's like one of the most enjoyable experiences that the human body can experience, but why does our nightly entertainment have to be so SATURATED with it? Are we afraid that a higher level of humor would go over too many people's heads?

What ever happened to family friendly programming? Remember the days when television was amusing and/or entertaining without having to even talk about sex? Entire episodes! Family Matters, Boy Meets World, Step by Step, Home Improvement? And I'm pretty sure these shows are still on somewhere. I know there's still a market for these shows that is just as sick as I am as where todays sitcoms have gone.

Am I really in that small of a minority that television producers don't care what I want anymore? Or have we all just been too quiet about it.
They gave a measure of the ratings that the new Desperate Housewives series has been getting.. I forget the actual number of viewers they listed, but they calculated it out to be only about 9 or 10% of America's viewing population. Which means that *90%* of our country either didn't care, or had better things to do with our time/minds.....